Science on the rise: 3 day underwear zoom conference on shit skids planned – Solar and wind people see the light and crank up the gas – Universal symbiosis movement simply beginning to exist

The relentlessly brave and remarkably overworked staff of the Utopian! has once again burst through the gates of the hollowed halls of the Empire itself to attend press conferences where questions and answers would be available. Let no one question the integrity of the Utopian! for it is us, all of us, who give us…

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News flash special: decision made to allow a document stating the purpose of a group of people towards a common end. They want to try to talk to the plants for a change.

It seems the words of a fellow who happened to be too damn quick and snapped up a property that had hair to for been unknown as even being for sale to her creepy as fuck neighbors. Thus our Challenger appeared and thus we are here today for this last little bit of theater of…

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Flash from the Utopian! G assaulted. Sends them packing with words to the wise like a boss

Our illustrious publisher has been challenged publicly. And publicly he has faced the challenge. The region agrees that a choice is clear. G gets the office. Listen to G or you are really not going to like the results. Editor’s note: for what happened as clearly reported as possible as well as some other news…

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Scandal: Shohei Ohtani caught cheating – exposed as a fascist – reviled by the Japanese – challenged internationally over every aspect of his game – statements coming soon from his wife – Trevor Bauer to blame for everything

Our ever challenging staff of news hounds here at the Utopian! have uncovered some seriously devious business from the previously thought virginal Shohei Ohtani. Though the entirety of the United States agreed unilaterally that there was no greater baseball player humanly possible then this young man who could both pitch and hit. He was really…

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Breaking winds: nuclear winter has arrived – thousands will die unless intervention from public services does its job

Transportation stops: Disease control: Maximum lockdown on movement: Marijuana wins in the election: The president of course is all in because being outside in the fresh air is all we ever need. Putin is advised globally: The truth of the psychosis is made clear: It was getting even for being raped so many times that…

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In-depth reporting: the Utopian! Hangs with the underground as they go tire slashing for peace

I am here tonight with Bimba Bortulaqua. Bimba is leading the league in tire slashes this year. We thought we would catch up to him to get some words about his rather awesome technique. Can you tell us exactly how long you have been slashing tires? I’m not going to lie, it was one of…

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Breaking winds: Scandal in Africa! Global warming found to be racist in nature

The 2020–present Horn of Africa drought is an ongoing drought that hit the countries of Somalia, Ethiopia, and Kenya. The rainy season of 2022 was recorded to be the driest in over 40 years, with an estimated 43,000 in Somalia dying in 2022. Wiki search about drought in Africa An unquenchable thirst to discover the…

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Scandal: Taylor Swift has stolen another one!

After diligent and uncompromising work by the staff of the Utopian!, Ultra-Famous, ridiculously rich and still pretty attractive pop singer extraordinaire Taylor Swift has been found swiping songs yet again. With a nose for news seldom found even amongst the hounds of the wealthy, the Utopian! demanded to hear the truth. And we got it….

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Breaking winds: possibility of global peace finally arrived at; G has been called to play dice with the president to finally bring an end to the war

It’s true. It happened. We seen it and we know it and now you do too. Golly. Can you imagine such a thing? So there he was, our illustrious publisher himself, standing there, well, actually he was sitting there but it was kind of standing there in a genuinely vibrant and masculine sort of way…

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Scandal: breaking news from the science department: Baseball might be a mistake!

A well-known but at the moment preferring to remain anonymous super super genie Godzilla brain scientist who basically just wipes the floor with Magnuson just for a warm up during breakfast tea has discovered the flaw in the ointment. You can’t play a decent Jewish game on a four-sided commitment. And thus opens up a…

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