It’s a funny thing how people judge each other. It’s very very complicated. It’s so complicated that no one really knows how to do it except those who seem to try really hard and really succeed or just succeed because they’re young and beautiful and they can make absolutely nothing look good. But that is the thing. Beauty. It’s about beauty. People respect beauty. I’m not beautiful.
Can you imagine what it was like growing up being me? Oh my. I was so ugly. Obviously, I was ugly. For a while I was fat. Oh! They despised me. Do you know what it’s like to be despised as a child? I mean really think about this for a moment. You’re a child, you don’t know anything. You’re really trying to be nice to everybody because anybody could just move too quickly and kill you, right? And you wanted some love, right? And they despised me!
Don’t worry. I got to like being a hideous monster. Really. You can make any angle work if you practice at it. I mean, it’s not that you practice doing something again and again it’s that you make a practice of being successful at something. For me, it was replacing that I wasn’t beautiful with the fact that I was probably an absolute delight to pay attention to. And indeed, I was charming as hell given the opportunity to be so.
Okay, fair is fair. Was it about money? Did people assume this or that about me? Was I really a pheromone king or was it just some politics about me that I didn’t know, right? I understand the drill. That’s why we’re here. You can’t accept anything at face value so we have to put it all out there and let you see for yourself what an idiot you have been. Anyway, empirically speaking, I was driving them crazy after a while so I knew I was on to something.
What would be the scenario? Well it’s a traveling thing for one. You can’t be anywhere because you have the politics of the local burg to take into consideration. So everything I’m talking about is that unique worthlessness known as traveling. I traveled. I traveled twice really. Once because I really was a traveler with no particular home to live in and the second time because I felt cheated not having had a tourist opportunity. That’s what they teach all of us by the way so there you go. It’s an obligatory thing when you’re American. We got to keep the economy going, right?
But in a usual scenario, you look around the situation say on a bus going somewhere. Inevitably, there’s the best looking girl. She is also looking around judging to see if she is the best looking girl. Usually I’m the fastest one to dive in on the contest so when she looks to see if anyone thinks she’s the prettiest girl on the bus, I’m staring at her like she’s a steak and I actually eat meat. I’m sure they think like this. I know they think like this.
But what I also know is that I was not good looking. You know the type. We were just talking about this the other day. That just absolutely flawless young person. The one who seems to have such an effortless body and manner that you know they will never lose at anything ever. God, don’t we love these archetypes in the media. And the Bible has Joseph. Who do you think Joseph is? Joseph is Orlando Bloom. Justin Timberlake? I was tempted to put bye bye baby by the backstreet boys into this for some reason but I guess I didn’t really need to although I kind of just did. No link. Best compromise.
Are you asking if I drool? Everybody drools. Everybody drools at the perfection of youth. Perfect youth. Why? Because we are a sick society. Because we feed off of the blood of strangers. We are vampires looking for something to suck off of and these beautiful adolescent sexual fantasies where we don’t know anything and yet our genitals do absolutely know what they need to do and have no problem talking to us because we have never heard anything else in our lives as loud or as interesting as this. Or something like that. Because that period ends usually because you pop the cork a couple of times and then you start to see the variances of what you’re doing. Different people, one person. First was lucky, second was planned. That planned one gets judged a little bit. On a scale of 1 to 10 sort of thing. And now they are into both competition and anxiety. So forget it. It’s a fleeting thing to make a religion out of. Believing that there is a fountain of youth taking you back to the briefest of moments in sexual time is ridiculous. The whole point is you didn’t know it was happening and that’s exactly why it could happen. I can’t even imagine what my solo number was. My actual with a partner number I believe was nine. 8? I say nine here!
Well, needless to say I am not this person and I know it. So this one time I was on a Greyhound bus. I think I was going west to east. I think this was about the time the people start showing up again. This one girl would have been an outlier. I’m looking at her now with very old and jaundiced eyes. She’s just a local tweaker. She’s just a kid. But she is the prettiest girl on the bus and that’s exactly what she wants to know and that’s how we make eye contact and then her head jerks because I’m not Justin Timberlake.
But wait. I’m smooth. I have my guitar.
I grabbed my stuff and go and find this girl and ask if she minds if I sit down next to her. She starts to object but then I tell her that it’s about my hands. I show her my hands with outstretched fingers here and she dutifully stares at them. I tell her I’m worried about my hands. I have to play guitar everyday but they don’t let us play on the bus. I figured if I sat next to you, nobody would stop me if I was being a troubadour, right? You are the prettiest girl on the bus. What do you say? Can I write you a song?
Can I write you a song? I don’t know. You could be pretty butt ugly and all of a sudden you got little miss, who has never not been perfect, working on your new masterpiece with you. And she’s into it because she probably figures you might be Bob Dylan or something like that and that she would fit right in on that scene, smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee and looking beautiful while waiting for her man to get off stage. I think she was all in from the moment I said hi, do you mind if I sit here?
Do you doubt me? Look, I’m only talking about results. I’m saying that in this situation, I had a songwriting partner with me who was all in and just happened to be the most attractive girl on the bus. That was the only reason I was talking to her. She was personally attractive. Ain’t that a bitch?
So here’s where it’s all about. Here is for all of you who say I don’t play fair. I play fair. But listen to me carefully. I am confident. I’m not talking about Mr Winkle jammer. Mr Winkle jammer comes and goes as he likes and I’m an old man and I am done if we’re talking about today, well, well, well on the exclusionary list of all things physical. Y’all ain’t even getting through my gate so don’t even have fantasies unless you want a younger version of me. And if you do, well, let me know about it in text without naked pictures and maybe I’ll send you some numbers that you can dream about on your next wildberries purchase.
All I’m saying is that if you don’t know what it feels like to have the love of a beautiful girl falling all over you like a warm waterfall, you don’t need any other judgments. And if you want to screw this all up and nazi-fi it or something like that, and you just want to say that I imagined it and I didn’t actually feel the difference in the world between when I was not with this young hors d’oeuvre. No. I was there and she was gushing. Do you want to talk about my olfactory skills? I don’t drink, dude. I have my facilities. Are you telling me that I can’t actually sense that thing that I was trying to make happen happen? You don’t think I have my ways of knowing the difference between yes and no? Do you doubt my level of achievement?
I was single!
But still butt ugly. So you got to be good. And this isn’t anything anything. How many fat girls tell us how athletic they are. Oh I know, you despise me because I am fat but really I’m quite talented. I’m not going to name names but one of the greatest women I know is driven by this very stupidity. Women of course will hate me and call me a misogynist for even saying this. Of course it’s not that simple. Of course when we are young and impressionable children, it is not our nature to be loved. And before we have any skills at all, there is a period of time where the best we can be is decorative especially if you’re female.
And then all you have to do is add the word changeable and the argument is done. If we’re talking about changing one’s opinion because there is another, better philosophy to listen to, I’m okay with that. I’ve been forming my own philosophies of life since I was a teenager. I think that was when I went crazy. Or it was when I realized that I was alone. I grew up alone and even after going to school and being in school society, I was still essentially alone. That was my childhood and that was my personality now. And but ugly. Sometimes you just can’t win.
So if you’d like to know the true bottom line of why I did what I did, it was very simple. I just wanted to feel the best I could possibly feel and I needed someone confident enough in themselves to enjoy the process. If someone is too worried about what you think of them to pay attention to what’s in front of them, it’s almost not worth the effort to be with him. But show me someone who absolutely knows she’s the one and I will drive her crazy. I guess that’s lesson number one in ugly school.
