Listen. I think I need to talk to you.
This was one of those moments in life where, when you look back years later, you either did it well or you didn’t. Perhaps the world really wasn’t this dramatic and obviously, the drama was more on his side than on hers. She was simply living her life as the world gave it to her. He was the one who wanted help. She was happily working on her self-sufficiency. Such goals are often difficult because they mean changing one’s belief in the structures given us. It means agreeing not to be normal. Technically, it means crazy if the meaning of the word crazy is abnormal to a society’s decisions on how to live. This does not automatically mean that opposition politicians are automatically crazy. It just works out that way because of the amount of abuse they take trying to do the right thing. Fairness has nothing to do with it unless you can somehow make it that way.
She was in a shop appearing to do nothing. Maybe she had followed him in or maybe it was an arbitrary path crossing. He was with someone. He was with his regular. His official. He was with the girlfriend. Maybe the fiance. Maybe even the wife. They were a legitimate couple. But then again, there she was. The other one. The ball player.
His regular was not a sportsman. She was an artist. She was a perfectionist. She was a reader. She was sedentary and quiet. She was delicate and perfect. She had great capacity for understanding. She was most of a genius and had strength and character enough to raise her skills to the highest levels. Though she didn’t come from anything close to it, in her mind she was higher. This is all she wanted from the world wants to be recognized as being slightly higher and worthy of note.
It was a difficult bit of social manipulation. When one is with ones partner or potential life partner and is taking a moment to have a brief word with another female, one would assume that the first female would be looking for signs to understand whether there was any sexuality in this new relationship. This is of course a waste of time because women do not genuinely use science in moments of jealousy. They just approach it from a high angle. They already know that the crime has been committed.
And in this case, it probably had. There was a difference. These were two different women. One was very still and sedentary. She was very good for doing still and sedentary things with. She was a wonderful movie partner. They could go to theater together. They could go to museums. But mostly they could go to restaurants. When you have a sedentary girlfriend, it’s good to take them to restaurants because they like being able to sit comfortably and eat good food. It gives them so much pleasure. And of course, if this is also your pleasure, you can see where the affection comes from.
But this other was another thing entirely. This was a sportsman. Her body stood erect and true. She had natural posture that comes from living muscle tissue hard at work all over her skeletal frame making sure that her arsenal of movements could be executed. She was strong. She was physically fit. She was an athlete. She was also possibly the hottest single female he had ever seen in his life. The effect was not to have a ridiculously erect penis that he could not stop from charging at her. This was not a matter of animal instincts taking over. Oddly, the man only imagined what his life would be like if he were to be a sportsman instead of what he was becoming more and more everyday.
Do you guys know each other?
Yeah. We know each other.
Hi.
Hi.
Listen, I really need to talk to you.
Making an open request for a private conversation with another woman in front of your established woman is never a good idea. Perhaps this was simply a failure in language. Years later, he would understand a little bit about wasting time. Now he was simply young and the drama of the situation required delicacy. Who knew exactly how to broach a subject? If the relationship were already there, the conversation would not need to be had. And yet he wanted a relationship without really knowing what a relationship with her might be like.
About what?
I want you to coach me.
You want me to coach you?
Yeah. I mean, I really liked it when you came and played ball with my team. I know it’s just a beer league softball game but you have the skills enough to play. That was a great day. For me it was a great day. For me, the sport of baseball was having a great day. We had a girl with us who could really play. It means something.
But I’m still female? I’m not just an athlete. There has to be sexuality, right?
The two women looked at each other. This was a three person conversation whether he liked it or not. Amazingly, he couldn’t just invite a threesome. For some reason, the simple thought of inviting her to dinner and then inviting everyone to play with each other wasn’t coming into his head. Why not? That would seem to be the simplest way to do it. In fact, in wisdom that only comes from experience, you’re better off having the sex be a part of it before the work. It’s easier working together if there’s no particular sexual tension. Just remember that your job is not to win the arguments, your job is to avoid the arguments. Or to lose really sexually. Keep that in mind.
He didn’t really know what to say. He genuinely was thinking that it might be wonderful to make love with this woman but crazily, it was not the first thing on his mind. He just wanted a different lifestyle. He wanted to know what it was like living with someone on a genuine training regimen who cared about athletic results. He could not say anything bad about his girlfriend’s character or how hard she worked. There was no problem in character with either of the two women. Both were fine examples of humanity. Both were above reproach. One however was an athlete and the other was not.
I want you to be my trainer.
I don’t know if I have time.
Look, I don’t know how to say what is going on in my head right now. It’s just that sometimes I see pictures and they have great meaning for me. Sometimes I see pictures and I know they are the truth. I want you to train me to be a real ball player.
Why don’t you talk to the coach? It’s his job. He’s been waiting for you to talk to him forever. Why didn’t you ever talk to him?
He didn’t know what to say. Maybe it was sex. Or maybe it was just the sex magic but would be a more pleasant motivation. He didn’t really need a male to tell him what to do. If it was a matter of a male, he didn’t really need to have any close associations. A list of things on a piece of paper that he should do would suffice. Maybe a phone call to answer questions now and again. If it was a matter of a male teacher, let’s just DIY this. But, if it was her, well, that’s genuinely something to look forward to.
In the end he didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t even handle this simple deflection. After a moment, she saw that he simply didn’t have the function to express himself. She might as well help him. She was already in this thing.
Maybe you could just tell me what you’re thinking. I mean just say it straight out and let me hear what your idea is.
Okay, I’m a pretty good ball player, yes?
You’re a monster.
I want to go pro.
Are you serious?
I’ve been thinking about it. I think I genuinely have the skills but I don’t have perhaps the discipline and I really don’t have the body for the long grind. Baseball is an everyday game. You got to go out and be physical and ready to do something exceptional everyday. That’s a lot of preparation. I’m not sure I’m that good at it. I’m too weak. I keep doing things that are comfortable that don’t require physical movement.
He looked at his regular and could see that he had said something hurtful. He had to backpedal quickly.
Which is fine. I mean, it’s also who I am, you see? This is me.
You’re tired of being fat?
That struck him. He hadn’t expected something so straight. That must be the thing amongst genuine athletes. If you’re going to go to the highest levels you need to be clear in how you get there. It’s important to care about these things in particular ways.
He took a moment and took stock of his body. He just allowed himself to feel what the boundaries of his body felt like in the world. He was very overweight. He was not muscle and sinew. He was not hard like bone. And mostly he realized, despite all of the things he did for himself that were pleasurable, none of these were athletes choices. They were just general relaxing ideas, food consumption, entertainment consumption, shopping as a way to get out of boredom. Driving a car endlessly because it was an effortless Way to move his body around. He was enjoying modernity to its fullest and he had appetites that he could not control.
I guess that’s part of it. I just wanted to know. If I put everything I had into it, if I learned all my lessons and did all the drills and got my body hard and my mind in shape to play, do I have the stuff to make it as a pro? What do you think?
The two women looked at each other again but this time it was not competitive at all. Both of them knew quite well who he was. He loved playing ball more than anything but it was just beer league. He was establishing himself in a life that did not necessarily make him happy. It was too much talking. It was too much intellectual nonsense. He always had been a body that had been repressed for one reason or another. Then he had finally got out and started playing and everyone knows that he had some talent. But he wasn’t a big leaguer. He wasn’t really a player.
It was at this moment that he understood that it was quite possible that the women had arranged this amongst themselves. Again, it would have been so much easier if he had been simply sexually aroused. Everything else could have transpired as something to do between friends and it could be understood amongst the women that at least they were on the same page going in the same direction. And I suppose they could also figure out the money one way or the other. It’s hard to gauge exactly how far ahead of men women really are. It’s just interesting to look at sometimes in its manifestations.
It’s a lot of work. It’s a lot of physical pain. I don’t really think you like pain very much.
No. It’s true. But maybe it’s a good aspiration. I just want to know.
What do you want to know?
I want to know if I could Play in the big leagues. Sometimes I think with a little hard work, maybe I could get my game up to that level. What do you think?
The odds are a million billion to one. Do you know anybody?
No. But maybe if I go down this road, I’ll meet people who know people and things will happen. Isn’t that how it works?
Yeah. That’s how it works. But what about me? What about what I want? What about my career? I’m glad you like me so much. You look at me and you can figure out all kinds of interesting ways to try and spend time with me. But you’re just using me. You’re not helping me get where I need to go.
Where do you want to go?
I’m just like you. I’m exactly just like you. I’m a college student just like you. I’m just a sportsman who has agreed to work for her sport. You’re a man and you just work for yourself. There’s a big difference. I’m not sure the sport could take you away.
Maybe she was right. He suddenly took stock of his dream. What exactly was he dreaming of? It probably had to do with taking an at bat in a game in the stadium and he gets a good hit on the ball, barreling it up and sending it with great velocity in some random direction. What he wasn’t dreaming of was the daily chore of preparing for a game and travel and managing one’s free time in the evening. He was not thinking of the lifestyle, he was just trying to play ball.
You think I’m too soft?
I know you’re too soft. But I also know that you’re a great player. You probably should have had this idea 5 years ago or 10. You probably should have started out seriously at the beginning when athletics start becoming important. When they tell you you can pick any sport you want, some of us picked all the sports or as many as we could play. You didn’t. That’s what it’s about.
So you’re saying that I can’t change gears? Maybe there was a reason I’ve never made these choices before. Maybe I never knew that these choices existed? Maybe I always put things through a particular filter for a reason. Maybe I’m tired of having this filter.
It might be worthy to introduce to the narrative that the lady was openly at least bisexual. It was not really a matter of importance at the time in a most liberal university. And it is possible at this thought was not even sexually arousing to the man. It is possible that he saw nothing but a potential possession whose acquisition would be difficult because it would mean competition between two women. Perhaps it had nothing to do with baseball at all.
Look. We can sit here and analyze me to death all day. I know I’m a mess. I also know I can hit the crap out of a baseball. I want you to train me. I want you to teach me everything you know about being a good athlete. I want you to help me build a program. Diet and exercise. Hell, teach the both of us. Or just let’s all be friends. Anything. What do you think?
Why me?
I don’t know. There you are. I can’t not see you.
They do not allow multiple wives. You’re not allowed to have multiple wives.
Okay. I understand you. Can you tell me what you’re afraid of? Tell me why this is so difficult for you?
I will. For one, you’re with her. Everyone knows you are with her. You’re not a free agent. You’re not doing you. You chose to have a regular. You’re not out there selling your body. Some of us sell our bodies. Here we are. I happen to be a great fuck. You don’t care anything about that. You’d rather be married.
We’re not married.
Dude, you are as married as anyone is married and this whole conversation is me talking to a married man right in front of his wife. I don’t know who believes this bullshit training nonsense. If you want to fuck me and you guys have an open relationship, why don’t you just say so?
I guess because I wasn’t planning on asking.
Why not?
Because I really want to know if I can be a ball player. I think I have the reflexes and the talent. I can really hit. But I got to get in shape. I’ve got to get in baseball shape. I’ve got to elevate my game. I’ve got to see if I can handle working at a big league level. And then who knows?
And then what? You become a millionaire ball player? How nice it is to be a man. Women can’t even dream of any future like that.
No. I would get to help the team.
Man, you’re so hopeless. It’s not about helping the team. Nobody helps the team. You get a check to play and that’s what it’s about. If you could find a sport where they give you a check and you make your money playing ball, that’s would being pro all about. Anything else you were thinking of including fucking or not fucking me is all a part of some weird socialist fantasy you have. Dude, you’re a mess.
So help me. Help us.
You’re serious?
You’re the coach. I’ll tell you everything. I’ll give you my whole schedule. I’m an open book. You tell me what I should do and I will do it.
Anything?
Yeah. You agree to tell me what to do to be successful and I will do it. And if you see that I can work harder, you tell me how to work harder and where I’m making my mistakes. And tell me if you have tricks how to get through the pain if it’s really so terrible.
If you’re afraid of pain, don’t play baseball, dude. I guess you never really understood that. Baseball is pain.
All genuine disciplines are pain. All efforts to achieve some high goal requires suffering. Pain and suffering are what all achievement has always been about. You my friend, know nothing of suffering.
This was from his regular. She had not spoken a word. She had simply been along for the ride. He hadn’t had a thought that she might be upset. She was just so very good at being there. She liked going places where they didn’t work very hard. She was happy with how he entertained himself. She was quite comfortable with the life he actually lived. That life had very little suffering in it. That was what had been so appealing about him in the first place. He was just too rich to be believed.
He had to make a decision. He thought he had already made one. The women were looking at him. They were waiting for him to do something.
Come to our house for dinner. Come eat with us and we’ll talk about this. We can talk about anything you want. We are pretty comfortable sitting and eating and laughing. We don’t smoke and we don’t really do drugs. Maybe we would get along. I don’t know how you live really. But maybe you could join us for dinner and we could all get to know each other. And maybe you might agree to teach me to be a real ball player before it’s too late.
Inspiration is a funny thing. It hits people differently. It has to do with how we like our information and what sorts of things we are comfortable with. But for her, it was a picture of him working on his swing. In the picture, he’s hitting off a tee And she is talking to him about weight shift and being faster with his hands. And she can see that his body is changing, becoming more muscular, more alive. She could see the sloppiness disappearing piece by piece and the sharpness that begins to appear in him.
And then she imagined him at his athletic peak. He is taking a shower and she is standing there talking to him. They are talking business and he is interested very much in what she has to say. But suddenly she realizes that she wants to touch him and she joins him in the shower.
Excuse me. It’s all very interesting. Dear, are you telling me that you are planning on disrupting our life to try and be a baseball player? Do you have any options to be a baseball player today? Is anyone offering you a job? Do you even know people who could get you to talk to people who could get you a job? Have you ever done anything to get yourself a job in baseball? Honey, how much is this going to cost us?
And here is where he saw the whole truth for exactly what it was. He had failed to take care of himself first. He had failed to make decisions about his own life for reasons he was not quite sure of. But he could definitely see that he had been a product of his environment and his decision making had absolutely been connected to the people who were with him growing up. He had never had a sports teacher. He had never had any teacher really. All he had ever had was himself and whatever talent he could put together. The only thing was, he had never devoted his life to being physical. He had only used his physical talent to get what he needed but his lifestyle was to take it easy.
Look. Can I hit?
Yeah, dude. You can play ball. I hear you. She hears you. Everyone hears you. Look, I only have one question. How serious are you?
Honestly? I don’t know. I don’t know if I could fully make the transition or not.
Let me tell you. You can transition but you can’t undo what you didn’t do when you were growing up. That’s the real thing about athletics. You either do it from day one like you mean it or it’s not yours. You can play. I know you love to play. But you didn’t grow up with this. What you’re asking me to do is fine but I can’t guarantee you any kind of results and I also can’t guarantee you to continue to care about the project long term. You could frustrate me at the wrong time and I might cut the string. I don’t even know why you would trust me in the first place.
I understand. You don’t think I could do it.
No. I think you could do it. I really think you could do it. I just think that it’s also possible you would find a way to break it up.
Do you think that’s what I do? Do you think I sabotage things?
Dude, look at you. Right here and right now. What are you doing? I mean seriously, what kind of craziness are you going through? I don’t mind being your friend and I think we could all get along together but you need to quit dreaming. If you think I’m someone to talk to, I’ll come talk to you guys. Maybe we’re all friends. I like movies. But before we go marching off into one of these crazy dreams, why don’t we figure out what you need first. Why don’t we figure out what we all need first and then we can figure out how to get it. How does that sound?
Sometimes there is a moment that changes one’s life. Sometimes you make friends with someone and you know you have done something significant by doing so. There are people who at least to you are very special. It’s a shame we muddy these waters with artificial celebrities from the media. It’s much different when your heroes are flesh and blood. It’s funny what it’s like when you try to make friends with one of your heroes. In this case, at least he understood why she was his hero. And maybe for the first time, she understood why he had paid such sweet attention to her all along.
