Well, that was interesting. Maybe unexpected is a better way of saying it.
Do you have profound moments in your life? I remember thinking about this when I was a teenager. I started smoking. I really don’t know why I started smoking except I felt a pull to do it because it was a part of so many people’s lives that I knew. Maybe it was something I was supposed to do. So I tried it. And it made me miserable. I don’t remember ever understanding completely why I was doing it except that it seemed to be a tool of boredom. I was in need of something to do and that cigarette seemed to be the satisfying drug for nervousness. It didn’t taste good. It made me sick. In fact it made me more nervous. I did not enjoy it at all. But for a moment, I believed I needed it.
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the activity was limiting my life. If the entire purpose of smoking is to satisfy a physical urge not to be bored, this means I was practicing some form of control on the world but obviously unsuccessfully. If something made my metabolism go up or down, I would go for a cigarette. I really wasn’t thinking of anything except that whatever happened reminded me I needed a cigarette. I wasn’t specifically trying to limit my emotions. I was just going along with what the drug was telling me to do. But by lighting up more and more as the days went by, going for medication more and more often, I noticed was stifling certain things from happening in my life. Or if it wasn’t about things happening, it was my ability to react to it. I was demanding of myself to be more and more numb and less and less open. Less sadness but less happiness too. And eventually, if you’re smoking all the time, nothing can ever touch you again. You simply have no room for any more stimulus because you’re nervous enough all by yourself. Thank you cigarettes.
I sort of saw this as a chart. There would be the lowest possible end of your emotional spectrum. The death of someone extremely close. Unbelievably ridiculous news of hopelessness such like any of us who believe in global warming understand every day. And then there is the greatest possible thing that could ever happen to you. Such fulfillment on a life scale. Let’s put that at the top. And then we have our average wage slave day. You do the same thing everyday etc etc etc and we argue about the shit food in the evening. This is of course non-vegan life.
Let’s say there is an emotional wave that is possible inside these two spectrums. You may not have more than one or two life events that go through the roof or the floor but there are probably quite a few opportunities for interesting moments if you were not controlling it every time you got nervous.
So I stopped smoking. It wasn’t easy. Getting out of addictions is never easy. Your mind tells you to go do it. It’s really hard to be a scientist. It is really hard to be a scientist.
To be a real scientist, to truly believe in math and science, one has to be a dedicated writer. There’s no other way about it. The level of meticulousness necessary to genuinely keep track of the science of what you’re doing takes an unbelievable amount of time and attention. And then there’s a matter of communicating it with yourself. Because I have been thinking about climate change and my environment and why it is so messed up for years now, I see people who are completely unconscious of this situation and yet carry on creating kilo after kilo or even ton after ton of garbage and solution for the world. They have made themselves comfortable without ever asking to be physically accountable for their place in the world. How expensive to the environment are our lives in their current configurations? How big is your carbon footprint?
carbon footprint – noun
- a measure of the amount of carbon dioxide released into the atmosphere as a result of the activities of a particular individual, organization, or community. Google
I agree. I’m a shit scientist. I’m a great scientist because I can see the truth and I understand the truth as it is despite whether I like it or not. But I am a shit scientist because sometimes I’m too lazy to write things down. Sometimes I promise myself I’ll remember and of course I’m not always a reliable partner without the pen. The pen makes me much more reliable. Yes, I will entertain denial. I have entertained denial for long periods of time because the pluses in the package were still worth something. You have to go way below the Mendozo line before you realize it’s time to quit. I’ve already had my deep dives. I don’t need to do that anymore. I personally think it’s time to quit. I really, really really think it’s time to quit. But nevertheless, let’s talk about our habits and how hard it is to get out of them.
There is a story from Belarus about a ship captain who retired and went into the homemade vodka business. It was his dream to manufacture something so clean and pure as to make all of his sins disappear. He worked meticulously and created several hundred liters of absolutely perfect vodka.
You would think this story took place in heaven but it didn’t. Despite its beauty and perfection, he realized he didn’t want to drink it. He didn’t want vodka anymore. It seems that when you are working and under the pressure of time, to escape a miserable reality with a shot or two and something tasty seems to make the culture worth living. But with all day to do whatever you want, where was the fun in inebriation? All that happens is that you get depressed and fall down. Better to be sober now. Better to keep track of things especially with the world heading to an end and all.
I found those bottles in the closet 17 years later. Nobody ever drank them. 17-year-old perfect vodka. We used it to toast his life at his memorial services. The results could be seen on the faces of the speechmakers. It was euphoria.
Habits we form are hard to get rid of. We are reflexive creatures to an extent but not really. We have reflexes but not genuinely killer reflexes. Observe a cat. Cats are obligate carnivores. They are on this planet to kill and eat meat. We are not. This tiny nubby of a tooth you call a canine might be something that’s on the way in or on the way out but it is not enough to rip flesh with and you certainly don’t grow up learning how to get that tooth into things. I also wouldn’t consider the end of your fingers specifically to be very good hooks. You can climb really cool with our hands but any animal bigger than 30 kilos and you couldn’t hold it if it didn’t want to be held. We are pathetic carnivores and the entire marketplace of bullshit that we buy so people can look in the mirror egotistically is one of the great embarrassments of modern civilization.
In fact, let’s get to work right now. Do we know Mr bureaucrat? We know who he is. We know what a stuffed shirt is. We know when an empty meat sack opens his mouth and starts talking gibberish about money that we are listening to someone who knows nothing about anything. I’m not trying to talk about manly man nonsense. I’m not talking about improving your building skills or your gardening skills. Although I am talking about improving your building and gardening skills. And you’re cooking skills. And your conversation skills. And you’re good person skills. I am actually talking about making a transition to being a person that gives a shit. How about aspiring to be a person who actually tells the truth? Try that mantle on for size for bravery. And from what I see, apparently the majority is not in this group.
Do you really want to be Donald Trump? Minus the money. We are talking about attempting to live Donald Trump’s life but on our money right now. Do you want to be Donald Trump? First of all, shit stains is in his ’70s and he eats like shit. You may think he’s comfortable, but if he doesn’t have people kissing his ass 24/7, and however many bumps he can get up his nose in the toilet, he’s just sitting there watching reruns and cartoons all morning from the couch. Are you playing golf today in the morning? Of course not. You don’t have free time. But even if you did, 74 years old and he’s never done a day’s work in his life. Nope, you are not moving around too much if you can’t afford the golf fees. You got to think about this. He’s probably not that comfortable in his body. Not doing anything kind of makes you uncomfortable and sick and that’s the point. The man is not a builder. He wears a suit. And has limitless ass kissers and cocaine. Don’t think that doesn’t matter in the equation. Do you?
The more I think about it, the value of our existence juxtaposed against the cost of our existence is an interesting ratio to find out. The way I understand it, if you work with minimal exploitation of others, physically carry out the tasks of your day as much as possible, do some sort of work to grow your own food and maybe cultivate a sport just for the cardio of it all. I’m not talking about putting on a suit and then going to play racquetball everyday. I’m not talking about Mr bureaucrat. I’m talking about living a physical life where we actually touch the materials we make use of. I’m talking about being physically useful. I’m also talking about working as an independent but that’s a different story.
Stop. Am I talking about zombies? Am I talking about a world of completely physical idiots? No. I want the ideas. I want the designs. I want people thinking about what would be beautiful. I want people thinking about how to make the environment that we live in better and more comfortable. I like when people see something and share their information so that we can all grow from it and get better. I like when we cooperate and live together well. I like the idea of living in a world where you are not going to get into a fist fight every day. Or get shot.
I’m as guilty as anyone of this. I’m from this world. I’m from the other side. I was raised by psychopaths. They fed me meat and assaulted me until I was just standing there waiting for the next attack. I couldn’t grow. I couldn’t move. They had me completely beaten into submission. But then what? I had an opportunity years later. Suddenly, a door opened. Perhaps we could call it an existential door. It is difficult to go through it. Many people won’t especially if they feel they have a lot to risk. That’s the thing about security and paranoia and everything that this stupid world. We are afraid of losing our stuff and yet we don’t really have anything worth that doesn’t eventually become garbage. Everything inevitably is garbage and we have way too much garbage already.
Me? This was the voice of God. You’re free, bro. You can do whatever you want. What do you want to do? It didn’t take long to make the choices. I quit bureaucrat jobs. I quit talking jobs. I quit jobs where I talk to people and started doing jobs where I work with my hands. I felt better about this. I was a bit crippled. Starting late and without the fundamental knowledge that comes with growing up with it. But at least I was outside in the sun and working with my hands. For this I was grateful. It made things simpler.
Years later, I picked up bicycling and sold my car. I didn’t sell it for money. I gave it to a junkyard. I watched it go down the road and knew I would never buy another one. I didn’t want them. They cost too much money. And they are filthy. They bring pollution into your world. Even the most modern car is still spewing pollution out its rear pipe. Any internal combustion engine is producing poison and air pollution. It should be a crime for an internal combustion engine to exist on this planet and that it does goes to the greed and stupidity of the people running the world by profit. I agreed, I was out of the car business and I was into the bicycle business. And boy oh boy, did I go into the bicycle business.
On a bicycle, I went from one side of the United States to another. I stopped and worked to make money. I was dedicated. The world needed more bicycles and more bicyclists and list automotive enthusiasts and that’s all there is to it. I have stories and adventures from this. Some of them are even good stories. Some of it ended up in a play I wrote! Did all of it with the guitar on my back. What adventure!
And then what? I went to New York to ruin my lungs riding professional bike messenger in the time leading up to September 11th. Professionally. Sportsman! Riding in shit with the cars of course. Had to take echinacea to deal with the bronchitis of simply being inside the city it’s so filthy.
You do not need a car. You do not need a car. Everyday of my life was singing the gospel of the bicycle. Man, I am not hurting the environment. There’s no noise pollution. There’s no air pollution. I’m not isolated, I’m in the world and I’m in the flow of it. I’m having fun and I’m being physical and I’m on my bike and people are paying me money. It was the greatest job in the history of the world because I knew deep down inside satisfied me. I could be a professional, I could make some cash and I did not have to feel bad at all about what I was doing to get it. And I made enough cash to head off to Europe.
Actually, it wasn’t just September 11th. It was the bad diet got me. Tried to be vegetarian but wasn’t good at it. Didn’t really know my stuff. I understand now what the problem was. Life was too hectic. I was into the money. I was making money. I was into the lifestyle and I didn’t mind getting my ass up everyday and on the saddle. But I was vulnerable to the food. Instinct food. Food cart food. American fast food. American restaurant food. American advertising for food. American food. That’s fat. I was fat. Everyone is fat. That’s America. And then there was September 11th.
It was only years later that I found the true cocktail. I needed time to think. I was still better off as a vegetarian and I was much better off on a bike than in a car. But now I gave myself time to think. That’s what happened. That was the big lifestyle change. I gave myself a day off. For me, it was a natural. I am Jewish you know but wasn’t really practicing. Suddenly, I had a loophole. Shabbos. Saturdays. I decided to take shabbos seriously and I would never work on Saturdays absolutely.
What happened? I absolutely loved it. That one day absolutely to myself where I told everyone else in the world to take care of themselves was all that was necessary. Now I had the most important resource at my disposal in the whole world. I had some time.
It’s a funny thing once you start putting together a good cocktail. Once you have healthy habits and engage in things that make you happy and you find you have absolute free time, literally ordained by God, something happens to you. I think would happen is you become free person. Or free thinking. Or maybe you realize the extent of the slavery you participate in. And believe me, if you’re into this cocktail, it will be right in front of your face.
Suddenly I gave myself a day off. No responsibilities. No worries. It was amazing. And what did I do with the free time? I started asking questions. I was finally free to be a scientist. I was finally free to ask my questions. What a world? We have the internet! Sure, ruined by commerce and Russian hate bots. Fine fine fine and I love watching people eat. But you could ask about the symptoms and progression of specific diseases and what the current knowledge was. And you could learn to read a medical journal. You could learn the difference between bullshit studies and genuine science. You could tell the difference between funded studies and studies where people were very interested to know the truth. I went vegan.
Dig it. I studied heart health. It led to being vegan. I studied environmentalism. It led me to being vegan. I learned about over grazing and the environment. Forget automobile pollution from stupid people who don’t understand their place on the planet. If you would like to make that check a little bit more in favor of a world that is sustainably made, you don’t eat animals or animal products. You don’t pay for the animal food business at all. You don’t support oppression of man over anything. That’s vegan!
If you’re not a vegan, please do not even talk. If you’re not a vegan, whatever you’re saying it is like you are a playful child. If you are not vegan, whatever you say is pure bureaucratic style. Whatever you say, you are completely asleep. If you’re not a vegan, you’re not speaking the truth.
Why is being vegan good for the environment? Because it frees up land! Because the world is free to be the world if we do not demand to keep every available resource under our control. Our resource profiteering is stifling ball of life and forcing everyone and everything to eat poisons. Each and every modern human being who has spent the last several decades under growing globalism is now a carcinogenic chemical cocktail put together by factory foods designed to keep everyone in motion and as stupid as possible. No days off, no logic, no quiet conversations, no education just purposeless destruction so that the profit makers can make their money off of brainless people making emotional decisions.
Fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you and fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you, your mother, your father and your entire extended family. Fuck you.
I like that paragraph quite a bit.
I think if you want to change your life to become a better person, the first thing you can do is stop eating dead flesh. The difference between people and animals is negligible and not understanding that meat eaters practice cannibalism. It’s insanity is insanity. Not understanding the insanity that comes from eating a high fat low fiber diet is only that you are more manipulated. You don’t understand that your brain is broken because you’ve never had a day where your brain wasn’t broken. People have never been allowed to have a standard day in their lives. How do they know what normal thinking is? I don’t care how comfortable you are in your depression, if you’d like to be a better person and live a better life in the world, move number one is lose the animals.
Number two, I suggest getting into a sport. Actually I suggest a group sport. I suppose shaping classes and yoga classes are very good. If you are an individual athlete, I would really recommend combat sports. Really. I’m a peaceful person but it’s remarkably good health to learn how to take care of yourself when things get dicey. I’m a big fan of Asian martial arts but I admire boxing quite a bit. And if you have enough money for it, baseball is the greatest game in the history of the world.
Bicycles. We have electric bikes now. We have regular bicycles with electric wheels. You can take it easier on yourself. We don’t need major athletes. You just need you to be able to go a few kilometers down the road to get what you need. Bicycles. Skateboards? They got all kinds of transportation now. You live in a crazy world. With electricity, we can do anything we want.
Now, we can make this happen in a single season simply by making a service available similar to the army but one that is there for environmental cleanup and human assistance. If we didn’t have an army that trained us to kill our enemies but to be helpful to our planet, it would be interesting to know how many people would choose to go with the killers and how many people would go with the cultivators. This would also give us an alternative voice, that second party that we need for dichotomous argument, so that you don’t have a unilateral monopoly by the military for all the funding from all of the money collected by the government.
This would of course be an end to military involvements as something to do on the planet Earth. We just don’t have it like we don’t have internal combustion engineers. It’s not good for us. It breaks our concentration. It stops us from being intelligent. We’re not going to make it as stupid people.
And really, if I have to bottom line this, if you thinking about making a change in your life for something better, how about just becoming smarter? How about if we don’t become a better social climber as a means of what to do with our intelligence? How about if we put our intelligence into how to make the world a better place to live in for everybody and not just ourselves? How about we just solve some of these problems holistically and culturally instead of waiting for our experts to save our ass when we finally succeed in killing ourselves. Which of course is exactly our programming. I think making that change or those series of changes away from things that were unhealthy for me and towards things that were healthy for me was the best road. It just really takes a moment of revelation that comes from asking a question and getting an answer. Not a humorous answer or the stock answer. But your answer. The truth.
Are you enjoying this?
You can ask that question at any moment of any day. I ask it all the time. I’ve been asking it for years. And slowly, just like any gardener knows how , you weed out the bad and you cultivate the good and life becomes better.
Advice number one. Go vegan. Advice number two. Take Saturday’s off. Advice number 3. You are the motor. Go bicycle. Advice four. Be a writer. Get it in writing. Write it down. Learn to write it down. You have to learn to hear the truth and to understand the difference between lies. Learn to listen to yourself and then, when you have your attention, only be sure that you speak the truth. Never lie to yourself or anyone you truly love. Best idea yet, pick up the pen and start writing it down. Journal writing? You bet. Listen to the truth. Think deeply about things. Put it on paper. Absolutely 100%. If you can’t get it on paper, don’t try to get it into the world.
You are the judge of your life or somebody else will be.
Anyway, what happened to me to make me feel this way? I just quit a relationship. And I feel much better now. I asked myself if I was really enjoying it and the answer was no. And then I asked if I could see enjoyment on my friend’s face and the answer was no. That’s all. I’m sure this is going to hurt later on but it’s just something I’m going to have to get used to. A new habit. Good habits. We need to form good habits and stop our bad habits and that’s all.
