A certain well-known but mostly underground scientist has recently sent out a press release saying that having stupid friends shortens one’s life expectancy. This study came to me unexpectedly underneath a burrito I had purchased. But while I was chewing, I started reading what was on the paper and gadzooks, we had a genuine story.
So Chino and I jumped on our trusty bicycles and raced over to the very famous and well-known institute of psychological psychology. There next to his broom closet that also serves as a place he can sleep between shifts, we met the hidden genius behind this theory. Who could have known that only a lowly janitor had actual mathematical knowledge such as this? Sometimes fate plays a hand.
I think you’re going to have to call me by my code name. Call me snowed in. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that the government goes out of its way to make sure that things like this continue. They tap our phones. They know all of our medical histories and everywhere we go and everything we buy. It is as if we are in dystopian 1984 again. But I’m here to tell you the truth. If you just stay away from stupid people, the world gets better. If you don’t want the critters hanging around, don’t give them anything to eat.
Our rigorous journalistic standards, here at the Utopian!, demand to hear the sources behind the argument. And to this, our brave whistleblower came out of the closet for a moment, though he kind of tripped because it is pretty cramped in there, and told us that it was just something He noticed and thought to post on social media.
Such a conundrum. Such a complex web. How could we possibly take this man’s word for it when there was no evidence whatsoever except his word that he noticed it was true? Whatever could a newspaper of the highest possible journalistic standards do but put it to the test?
Unfortunately, The Utopian is perfect in all things and therefore we need not one more nor one less person unless you’re pretty skilled and know your way around the kitchen sometimes and don’t mind helping to clean up the place because, you know. What we are saying is that we actually couldn’t find any stupid friends at work so we went through our social media contacts and came to the same exact bucolic conclusion. Our stupid friends were too depressing to be with and our smart friends made the world a better place.
If you would just be so kind as to take out the garbage, the house will smell a lot better.
Such a quote. Such a quote indeed.
Thus, our critical thinking done and our due diligence delivered, we can put an end to this case knowing that the world is better for independent journalism doing everything it can in such difficult times.
For the Utopian, Heather Hoppenheimer reporting.
