Well-known and highly accredited scientists have recently discovered a connection between the dreaded Parkinson’s disease and not doing a fucking thing about it.
At a well funded yet highly secret laboratory, a band of pesky but will meaning scientists have found that physically taxing your muscles to their extreme creates a calmness that otherwise would not exist. They made tests with different stages of development. They allowed innocent children to be left alone for this study and only took volunteers who carefully read every word of what they would be doing. It was very rigorous vetting and there was no alcoholics allowed and this was a pure vegan study of reality. That’s right, does veganism help Parkinson’s?
So in the study, young people under the age of 30 we’re asked to do sporting activities. These were all people who were exhibiting signs of early Parkinson’s or other variations of muscular dystrophy. It seems that there has been a radical increase in muscular skeletal problems and problems with bone marrow disease. Usually, the most obvious understanding of the cause would be the amount of carcinogens that human beings allow themselves on a daily basis. This would include the daily intake of meat or sugar based waters or generally processed sugar-based cooking and prefabricated snacks.
We asked them why this group of people, these normal people, were not included in the story. The Utopian / green 2021 does not take lightly issues of tomfoolery from the sciences. Nerst it be thought for even a moment that we would back down from any foe attempting to evade justice.
He said that they all died. And then he said they had Parkinson’s, you dumb shit. What do you think happens to them? What do you think happens to everybody?
Taking this as a matter of course, we decided to proceed judiciously. Okay, we said, what about the non meat eaters. They generally lived longer, right?
Well, he said, let’s look at a picture for a moment, shall we? Let’s take a young man and let’s put him on a motorcycle and let’s let him drink Oh, let’s say about a bottle of tequila and a few beers because apparently he can’t actually drink tequila without beer but, if you ask him to explain why he was doing this, you might break the picture so keep in mind that nobody thought that this was a bad idea for anyone to do. Nevertheless here we have a second picture of a person sitting at home kicking the living shit out of somebody in Nintendo or whatever fucking gamer punk useless fagots play with until they find their dicks or after they come or whatever. But they do that. So, here’s the question for your actuarial tables. Or do I have to ask the question, genius of the month?
With absolute rigorous journalistic standards, we asked very candidly and sternly if we had the right, as citizens of the planet Earth, to actually see the factual representation of the study itself. They smiled obsequiously under the glare of inspection and reminded us that they were the ones who had invited us out and that there were plenty of other press around. But he hinted quite clearly said we were some house special. Indeed not, sir! Not the Utopian! Hands off at least until we get to the bottom of all of this.
Thus with an ease a well practiced bureaucrat would just cream over, his eyes went skyward like Fernando Valenzuela, although it was really more of a, Jesus Christ do I have to do this, kind of thing. Which maybe is the same thing but one is like great enthusiasm in the other I think his sarcasm. You know, the Mexicans do in fact know about this. And then he handed us a small pile of papers that had been left for us by the door.
Great Scott! How did we get ourselves into such a pickle? It seems that the well meaning Parkinson’s people who agree that they are fucked and so they just start drinking more wine like that bitch ass puccino did in the movie, like it’s what all Italian gangsters are supposed to be doing. Like some scientist in the Mediterranean, like if you lived in the Mediterranean, do you have scientists out there? I mean I know there are probably excellent marine biologists out in the Mediterranean. I am aware of this effect that actually having people who are completely out of their shits for giggle minds staring at atrocity after atrocity means that there is someone paying attention. And certainly, we are aware that they are out there but we have not quite yet connected to some good solid Mediterranean marine biologists. But we will be goddamned if we will not have this put together by the end of next week.
Those folks died the fastest.
I told him to wait a minute. Certainly the numbers in front of me told me that this was only a 1-year study. They all started at the same time and it seems that the groups died rather uniformly. Was there somehow a correlation, the Utopian wanted to know.
He told us that they had killed them.
You can imagine the feelings of shock and alarm that went through us at this moment. Literally, I looked at my partner Chino and asked him if he felt any fear. He said that we were still okay but that perhaps the last remark needed to be explain.
This particular spokesman, whose name was garbanzano, gesticulated rather wildly with his hands and informed us somewhat rhythmically that hey, we ain’t no fucking killers. All that’s a rumor. We are scientists, yo. And that we should get this through our heads. And then he said an Italian word that we will try to recreate at another time.
Chino at this point cracked remarkably loud knuckles and garbanzano agreed to spill the beans.
He rather nervously explained that they didn’t intend them to die and in fact seriously hoped that they would do something. But part of the science, as the Utopian indeed noticed in the text, was the economic benefit of surviving versus the human suffering that went along with it. And what they found was that the people who gave up could be pushed over with a stern hand like a robot that they wanted to see if it could stand up on its own.
Suddenly my mind went a whirl. Boxing. Boxing. The greatest three boxing matches in history.
That’s right, saggy bottom girl, they said rather wistfully, we thought that telling them the truth might make some interesting decision making. And then he pointed to a place on the paper that said there were those who said we were right and those who said we were wrong. Empirically, those who were willing to fight for their bodies and their sanity were the ones who actually had the best time.
We ask them with the most stern and practical glare we could put on our face so that he knew the power of the press. There were still two groups left. Both physically active and yet one group jumped apparently close to the same time and the other contingent seems to still be alive. It seems they were the ones who wanted to live the longest.
And with a slight odor of garlic somehow in my nose, he pointed to the little green five pointed leaf next to that group that was still alive and asked me if Zootopia needed anymore help understanding a two-page study one page was the abstract for the second page because those grace and well-known scientists must also show rigorous care by making at least an effort that the eye might find the report actually rather pleasing, now that I was noticing it. Right. So it was the weed all along. Gotcha.
And so we close the book on our latest discoveries. The Utopian will be there. We will be there when there is wrong to be righted. And when there is right to be written about. Signing off for the Utopian, this is Tatiana What’sagama reporting.
