After diligent and uncompromising work by the staff of the Utopian!, Ultra-Famous, ridiculously rich and still pretty attractive pop singer extraordinaire Taylor Swift has been found swiping songs yet again.
With a nose for news seldom found even amongst the hounds of the wealthy, the Utopian! demanded to hear the truth. And we got it.
I tell you it was just a matter of the heart. I knowed she was a young girl. I knew that maybe people would be thinking not so nice thoughts about it. But I kept telling myself that I just played guitar and I knew a few chords and I could show her some. I didn’t ask for every other damn thing that kept getting thrown in front of me. You get two women together and they just think feeding a fellow is all they need to do. But I tell you, get a breath of fresh air now and again if you know what I mean.
Right. So what you’re saying is that there was an intimate relationship there between Taylor Swift, yourself and her mother.
Oh come on You can’t be asking me to talk about things like that. That ain’t nobody’s business. What people do when people is people is people’s things, don’t you agree? You guys ain’t yellow journalists are you?
No sir. We are green.
All right, I get it. Well, I done it. I wrote that song Shake It Off. I’ll admit it now. I ain’t afraid. I ain’t afraid of how much power she has now that she’s all uppity and big and wearing parade stuff and getting the girls to scream at her. I don’t care about none of that. Believe me, the last thing I want to do is be a part of a fashion show for a bunch of teenage girls. I couldn’t win that fight if I brought all the weaponry of the American arsenal with me. Considerable fire power completely useless.
I think we might be getting drifty. Tell us about the song.
Well, I don’t know what to say. We was just in one of those moods like we would sometimes get. And I was sitting in my truck. Damn I hated that truck. That cost so much money that damn truck and it wasn’t worth nothing. Let me tell you something about having a truck. Having a truck ain’t a lucky thing. You all happy because you got this instrument to go get shit and bring it back. But how much does every load cost? All of this capris is wonderful if you got the money to pay for it. How about wasting resources on vanity universally? How about that for a concept to chew on along with your steak?
Noticing that we are drifting far afield, by employing simple conversation, we are asking you for the goods. Do you have any proof that says you wrote the song?
Well why do you think I called you? You think I just wanted someone to talk to? You want to hear the song? Do you have the moolah?
Let it be known and written throughout the world of journalism that the Utopian! never takes bribes. If you tried to offer us money to compromise our journalistic standards, boy oh boy, would we give you such a knock. Bimbala boombala, you would not like your day. On the other side of the bar stool, sometimes we got ta grease the wheels, if you know what I mean. No, I didn’t say we pay people for stories. I said we pay people who need money when they have news. If it’s real news and you really need money, we understand symbiosis.
So can we hear the song?
All right. But I’m just saying this so that the truth comes out. I don’t want to hurt nobody. I don’t want to take anything away from Ms Swift who is a very talented and warm-hearted person. She might still be genuine but I’m not sure she ever really was except to be a genuine what she is. And she is what she is genuinely. Just from personal experience.
Right. Are you going to play the song?
All right just give me a minute to get myself together. Sometimes a person’s got to think things through…
What our hero was talking about was some personal libation. Apparently this was very important to him. At the Utopian!, we do not condone the use of narcotics. There is a great list of things that we consider narcotics and only a couple of things that we consider food. Food for the belly, food for the mind and food for the soul. But then again, people pick up their habits along the way especially when they are out on the road and our friend here needed to steel his courage.
Who boy. You want some of this?
Yeah. Thanks.
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So, can you tell us a little bit about the song?
I don’t know. I was just riffing. The thing is that a guy sometimes has a lot of time on his hands and you just end up thinking about things that are rubbing you the wrong way.
Can you allow yourself to be quoted as having said the word rubbing?
I know this puts pressure on people. The thing is, sometimes you just got to get it out.
So you are saying that you wrote the song shake It off.
Well, the original lyrics were not shake it off. I was actually thinking of something else. And even shake it off was not necessarily my final choice. But I guess she chose that. I guess I might have hinted that that was the best variation. I guess she did listen to me a little bit. But she was definitely thinking ahead when all of this was going on.
What you are really saying is that you feel used and abused by Taylor Swift.
Well, we haven’t seen each other very much in a while. But we had our moment. I’m not going to talk about any sort of horrible details that all of you Christian heads need In order to feel like you’re special and other people should die for you. I mean, why do you think she liked the songs I was writing? I knew all about being oppressed and being taken advantage of. We should have been actually a natural songwriting team.
Why didn’t you?
Come on, that’s just not the way it works and you know it. I look like me and you look like you and she looks like her. Who do you think they listen to?
Journalists for Utopian! do not suddenly dive into themselves worrying about their personal grooming and how it might measure up against white blonde blue-eyed icons. If you want to see armpit hair, bring it on big boy.
I think that’s a fair enough assessment. The thing of it is, I’m not sure the original song was quite what ended up on the other one. I mean, I understood that it was going to be a pop hit but I was sort of thinking irony more than just, you know. Girl stuff.
Okay, we’ve given you all the time we’re going to give you. Do you say you have proof?
Well I got the original tapes. They was the ones with the words or at least what I thought was going to be the words. You can hear the song. There ain’t no doubt about it but again, she’s done changed lyrics like it’s always somebody else’s fault. Maybe it’s my own damn fault for even thinking about such things but, I don’t know, I just believe that the world is more honest place than it actually is.
You are not commenting on Taylor Swift’s character are you?
Character? The kid’s a performer. I’m not taking anything away from the girl. God love her for all she has done. I’m just saying I wrote this and that’s all I’m saying.
Obviously you are waiting for a gigantic financial remuneration from this. Are you planning to take Ms Swift to court?
No, it’s really not like that. Honestly just needed a little more whiskey and you guys were willing to give me 20 bucks.
Did we actually give him 20? I thought we were only giving him 10?
Well anyway, I’ve done it and if you want to hear the truth here you go. I ain’t holding back no more.
Well, bringing the greatest journalistic integrity in the history of the publishing business to bear, it certainly seems obvious proof that you indeed were the writer of this song.
No. It’s not really so simple as that. It was actually supposed to be something different. It was actually supposed to be like this.
I see. So do you think there was something in this lyric that Ms Swift might have been against?
Well look, I cannot be the messenger of God in this. I can’t sit here and tell other people what to do. It just doesn’t work like that. I’m just saying that there was kind of a natural reason why we really didn’t get along. Oh, I was completely understanding of what was being sent my way and I wasn’t really opposed to it because the girl was talented. She is talented. Nobody’s going to say the girl is not talented. I’m just saying that you put someone into an economic situation and people are going to do what they are going to do.
And that includes theft of your intellectual property.
Theft is kind of a strange thing to consider. The internet is kind of a strange thing. It seems we are applying all kinds of laws to things that are right out there in public for everyone to see. I agree that this was a pretty good song. But I also know that they were all kinds of videos made for this one and not all of them were necessarily complimentary to my friend. I’m just saying that the world is what it is and when you feed people like they are animals, they are going to act like animals. And sometimes if you send out a message and people hear it and you start seeing that they are just like you, it might give one pause to at least worry about the sort of messages we send out.
So there you have the story. It’s a dog-eat dog in Hollywood and we all know it. For the Utopian! This is Cynthia Philanthropicist reporting.
