From Chabad.org: Ki Teitzei in a Nutshell
Deuteronomy 21:10–25:19
The name of the Parshah, “Ki Teitzei,” means “when you go out,”.
Seventy-four of the Torah’s 613 commandments (mitzvot) are in the Parshah of Ki Teitzei. These include the laws of the beautiful captive, the inheritance rights of the firstborn, the wayward and rebellious son, burial and dignity of the dead, returning a lost object, sending away the mother bird before taking her young, the duty to erect a safety fence around the roof of one’s home, and the various forms of kilayim (forbidden plant and animal hybrids).
Also recounted are the judicial procedures and penalties for adultery, for the rape or seduction of an unmarried girl, and for a husband who falsely accuses his wife of infidelity. The following cannot marry a person of Jewish lineage: a mamzer (someone born from an adulterous or incestuous relationship); a male of Moabite or Ammonite descent; a first- or second-generation Edomite or Egyptian.
Our Parshah also includes laws governing the purity of the military camp; the prohibition against turning in an escaped slave; the duty to pay a worker on time, and to allow anyone working for you—man or animal—to “eat on the job”; the proper treatment of a debtor, and the prohibition against charging interest on a loan; the laws of divorce (from which are also derived many of the laws of marriage); the penalty of thirty-nine lashes for transgression of a Torah prohibition; and the procedures for yibbum (“levirate marriage”) of the wife of a deceased childless brother, or chalitzah (“removing of the shoe”) in the case that the brother-in-law does not wish to marry her.
Ki Teitzei concludes with the obligation to remember “what Amalek did to you on the road, on your way out of Egypt.”
***
1
Hillel the scribe, Phaedrus the apothecary and Abiah, the rather overwhelmingly attractive teenage slave girl are sharing puffs from a hookah on the floor of the scribe’s new palatial estate overlooking the valley of the sanctuary city. The wars are continuing, the days in the desert have been forgotten and everyone has to deal with the consequences of human chattel.
That is quite a beautiful thing you have bought for yourself, my friend. I didn’t know that you dealt in slaves.
Without slaves, there would be no need for the apothecary profession. If there was no slavery, no one would ever need me at all.
As it is, you are a ridiculously wealthy man from having been so needed by the community. Rich enough to afford, what is she, a surrogate grandchild?
Listen, I never married Eva. I never went through what you went through.
You never married.
It’s an interesting thing when you don’t have a family or a clan. I’m a lot like you in this way.
I don’t really think so. My family was always academic and affluent.
My family learned how to get everything we needed from nature.
Well I guess that explains why I’m here. I have enough money to buy your cures and now you have enough money to buy beautiful slave girls.
She’s not really a slave girl. I’ve decided that I don’t really own her.
Do you sleep with her?
As often as I can.
Does she have anything to say about it?
Do you mean like noises and such?
No. Does she have the right to refuse you? You’re not her husband and you say she’s not your slave. If she is not a slave, she has the right of refusal. That’s all we have been asking for all along. You don’t do taxation without representation, do you? Does your free little girl here get to vote?
I am a free woman if that’s what you mean.
By nature! It talks.
It doesn’t only talk, son of academia. It reads and writes as well.
Wait a minute. Don’t we have laws against this?
Um, not really. Technically they are property and not people. That might have something to do with why women don’t really seem to have any laws.
We are not supposed to be whores. The men love us when we are young and fresh and foolish. They love it when we are only children and we forgive them of their sins because of our own innocence. They feed off of our blood because they are pigs and fools who have already destroyed their own lives and now look for other lives to destroy. And no matter how beautiful we were, just from their touch we become whores. But now they hate us when they see what happens to us from all of the excitement when we were young. Men are pigs. I’ve never seen different or known a day or I ever believed a man was my savior.
Listen, Faye. We have definitely got something here. What did you say your name was?
I didn’t. My father named me Abiah.
And how did you come to be in the company of this incredibly decrepit apothecary?
I am spoils of war. A soldier liked me and took me for himself. He didn’t like me. He sold me to one man who sold me to another man who sold me to another man who sold me to the apothecary. Now I’m here.
She’s not very popular.
I would say so. Listen, how old are you anyway?
Why do you ask?
Oh, I don’t know. I don’t really suppose there’s any hope in even pretending virginity, is there?
How much will you pay me for the pleasure of pretending I am yours?
You know, Faye, I’m starting to get a clear picture here.
Yes. She looks mighty delicious but she doesn’t eat very good.
Did you…
It’s a metaphor. She doesn’t say no to sex. She just says no to everything else.
It’s always been very strange to me why men think I should be so appreciative. The soldier was nice enough to kill my family for me. I guess in his experience this is exactly the sort of thing that gets a woman in the mood for love.
I think the theory has something to do with protectionism.
Oh please, please. Protect me. I so very need your protection.
Right. So you are not actually together with my friend the apothecary here?
We rode in the same car carried by the same slaves. I am his guest.
But he paid for the privilege, yes?
As both of you might say, there is enough money in the corrupt loopholes of the stupid laws made by the state to make a clever girl like me quite rich without having to compromise too much of anything at all.
But, have you never?
What do you want to know? Would you like to know if my hymen has been busted and that the level of emotion I experience during this great wonderful thing, this pain and this bleeding that leads to sexual pleasure, that this will make me a slave to you and I will devote my life to you so that your life is better at the expense of mine? Is this your Egyptian thinking?
I guess if you say it that way, it is kind of mercenary. You use the word Egyptian. You are a writer, aren’t you?
A lot of women pretend that they have no body. It is their way of coping with their powerlessness. They make themselves incompetent so only a fool would ever demand their work. They learn to do anything to get out of labor. They grow soft. They grow soft and clever and weak and manipulative. Generation after generation after generation all bending to the will of ridiculously excitable and foolish men who have no capacity to control themselves whatsoever.
It might be before your time, but did you ever hear what really happened during the 40 years in the desert with the children of Israel?
Oh, you mean that nonsense about being self-sufficient in the desert? Yeah, good advertising for yourselves. You’re the clever ones. You’ve got the book. Nobody likes you and nobody wants to see you around. Nobody needs to listen to your stupid endless thoughts on how to manage us better. Nobody wants you in their lives at all. And yet I’m supposed to believe this sort of unwritten legend that self-sufficiency works? That is a suckers game for little children. You need money to live and you need your voice and your word in order to do business. Sure, I’m just a teenage girl with a teenage girl’s body. But, I am a professional in the high sense of the word and you can appreciate me for what I am or not. You’re still going to pay for the privilege of my company.
Wow. That is cynical.
I told you, Hi. She’s a good one.
You’re not going to sell me to this guy are you?
Baby, you may not believe this but this may be a match made in heaven.
Whatever. I’ve been in worse houses.
By the way, she’s good for something else too. You’re going to love this part. Ask her about the news.
You know something about what’s going on?
Sure. That man who allowed the elders to stone his son to death? The true story was not that he was a lazy son but that he was a very brutal and narcissistic father. He didn’t like the idea of his son taking over or even having a say in his life so he beat him down and took everything from him and left him with nothing. And then, when the boy was drunk and whining about his horrible existence, the father invited some government people to look and they brought priests and then it was over. One less problem to worry about.
You don’t have a very high opinion of men, do you?
You mean, as a disease?
See what I mean, Hi. You guys are going to get along just fine.
2
It is about a week later and Hillel and Abiah are both dressed in very light garments and lounging around the beautiful mansion enjoying another perfect Middle Eastern day.
I think they had you in mind for the law they made.
Really, how so?
If some idiot commits a sin and is foolish enough to get caught and doesn’t have enough money to pay for a special favors, you get to kill him and put him on a post. But, unfortunately, he doesn’t get to stay on the post for a very long time.
Are you speaking in sexual innuendo?
Is this too clever for a female?
Considering my age, be happy there was even a pole in the discussion.
I’m not complaining, Hillel. On the contrary. I don’t understand why anyone would ever complain about what life is like with you.
I’m glad you think so. You know I want to get some work out of you though? I can’t just be sitting around waiting for the next time I need to have sex.
You want me to help you rebuild the daily papyrus? Haven’t you had enough? You’re alive and you’re in a beautiful home and you have maybe the best friend you will ever have in the entire world living with you and even allowing you some pole time and you want to go back to being a political activist fighting a drunken lunatic stonemason who has no idea whatsoever how to manage anything. Why can’t you just be happy with what you have?
It’s difficult to know what to say. You don’t like male ambition or you don’t like my thoughts?
I’m really serious. Okay, you’re not a young man and I shouldn’t expect you to act like a young man. But you did the job. You’re a real man. And I enjoyed it. I don’t understand why you can’t be happy.
Yes this is fine. But we have today and then we have tomorrow. We also have yesterday to worry about. I don’t believe anything lasts anymore. Maybe it’s because we no longer have a foundation of our own, we are not allowed to feel these feelings. I know these feelings though. We lived 40 years like people. I understand what you’re saying but you’re just moving so fast and I’m not really convinced it’s all about age.
A little from the left and a little from the right.
Yeah good. I have this strange sense of having heard this conversation somewhere before.
What’s the matter? Don’t you like the wisdom of our male-centric government? If the leadership can be hypocrites, it is almost our obligation to go along with them.
That’s a joke. That’s the chicken and the egg joke. What came first, the chicken or the egg? What came first, mercenary women or mercenary men? Who created who?
Is a man a foolish alcoholic before he gets married or only after? Is it in his nature to repeat this way endlessly? A phrase I really like is sons of bitches. So expressive. So true. So real.
It’s very strange listening to your point of view, young lady. We say the same things and we have the same cynicisms and sense of knowing. But when you say it, I get included in the corrupt group. I must say that I have always rather enjoyed being with the people who could forgive themselves and pat themselves on the back for work well done. It’s not easy being objectified.
Welcome to the party. Did you think living in sanctuary meant that you weren’t a criminal?
I’m a criminal? I’m a criminal?
You see. You even admit it.
What do you mean? It was a question! Can’t you tell the difference between a question and a statement?
No.
I’ve got an idea. You wouldn’t mind helping me physically would you?
What disgusting perversion would you satisfy yourself on me with?
Just stand up. I want you to pose for me?
Do you want to draw my picture?
In a way. It’s more of a question of writing. Actually that was a pun. It is about defining the question. Do me a favor. Bend over at the waist a little bit.
Like this?
Yes. Now bring your hands over your head. Yes like that but bend them a little bit. I want you to make kind of a circle out of your body.
This is getting interesting.
Yes. Now here’s the good part. Stand on your tiptoes and bend your knees and then make the circle.
Like this?
Honestly, if you weren’t wearing your clothes, I could look at you all day.
Am I really so beautiful to your eyes?
Right now you are. This will be my greatest moment in language. I am going to make an addition to the Hebrew language so that for all history, everyone will know the difference between a statement and a question.
Interesting. Can you show me what you’ve drawn?
It’s you. You see? This is your pose. This will be called a question-mark.
Nice. I’ll be honest. You’re not the best artist but it’s kind of sexy to be made immortal like this.
I think had you been fat, it might have worked out differently.
Tell me about it. Wait till I get older.
3
It is a short time later and unfortunately, this April October relationship started to draw attention locally, especially amongst the married women.
Forgive me for being observant, my love, but we do not seem to be having intimacies lately. Is there something wrong?
Yes. Everything is wrong. I’m an old man and you’re a young girl who was not even close to being a virgin when I ran into you.
I thought we were away from the politics of little Egypt. Are you disenchanted with me? Would you have me killed by the priests as a way of getting rid of me?
No. No. I like you. Maybe I even love you. But I’m getting social pressure from the women.
Did you want me to help you with the problem?
Do you think you could?
Absolutely not. But it would have been wonderful to hear you say it.
You’re not helping.
Look. It’s just a matter of appearances. You need to act more like my master and less like you do.
How do I look?
Like you’re my slave. You’re kind of like my little yappy dog. It’s a bit embarrassing.
I’m not very good at being a master, am I?
Well, considering your profession and rather famous wife, I don’t think anybody would consider you to be any kind of a general.
You might be right. I am who I am. I’m not sorry. And I think I have character nevertheless even if I’m not the greatest physical specimen ever to live.
You’re the greatest scribe in the world. No one will ever touch you. All of the people who remember, remember you for being there for them for those 40 years when we weren’t being oppressed by the Egyptian and his chosen replacements.
Yeah. He didn’t really choose them. I know this is high level gossip but Moses never really chose Joshua to be the next leader. Joshua chose Joshua to be the next leader. Moses was out of his mind when all of this happened from the loss of Miriam. They just came in and bullied their way through the tent and demanded the old man stand up so that everyone could see that they were now in power. But it wasn’t really the old man. He hadn’t done anything in 40 years and was now very old and broken up over the loss of his wife. And here they were, basically dragging the old man along and making him agree with whatever they said. And he couldn’t take it. He went with them until something exploded in his head and he never really got out of bed again.
Moses is dead?
Yeah. Absolutely nothing you are reading genuinely came from the voice of Moses nor did he intend for this section to be written. The big man was bullied by the new regime in order for them to take power. That’s why we no longer have any peace. We are slaves again. What do you think? Is that juicy enough for you? I guess that makes me an incredibly wonderful person to you. If I do get tired of you and set you free, you will have wonderful gossip to share with your next partner.
Be careful. Not all scribes are writers nor are writers all scribes. Be careful what you wish for. You might just get it.
I am less afraid of losing you than you think.
Really? I am so valueless here?
No. But because you are who you are, it takes me all my energy to try and keep you. But if I were to let you go, I would feel great pain and even perhaps believe that there is nothing in the world worth anything. But I wouldn’t be under so much social pressure. It’s a two-edged sword. I get to be with you but I don’t get it with the love of the community.
Maybe what you’re saying is true. But I’m sure there’s an answer to the question.
What? I need to marry you?
If you like it then you better put a ring on it.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh is right.
4
Another short time later, Hillel the scribe is paying a visit to his friend Phaedrus the apothecary. It seems he is in need of some cure.
You did read what it said?
We all read it. It’s like everything eventually comes full circle, doesn’t it?
Sure. It was a lie. We never left Egypt. We don’t hate Egyptians. Egyptians are fine. Look at all of these people we just wipe off the map. But we like Egypt. How is it possible?
We will never be big enough to fight Egypt?
But don’t you understand? We were not supposed to be living like animals! We are not supposed to be living like this! We are supposed to be more clever. We are supposed to be able to figure out the problems and deal with them wisely. We are not supposed to kill!
It’s just nostalgia already. What’s done is done.
Well, okay, fine. Nothing sacred. Nothing means anything to anybody. If I want something, I take it. You want me to think like an army general? We could have gotten together with all of our trade partners and raised an army to specifically go take down Egypt. We wouldn’t have Moses on our side but we know something about playing with agriculture because of him. We could raise hell in Egypt. The point is, why should we do it?
I don’t think we could take Egypt.
No, of course we can’t. Not even with this God person on our side. Joshua is out of his mind and out of his league. He has no idea how to be a leader. And these days, he doesn’t even build anymore. He sits there and talks all the time and doesn’t ever do anything. I really have had enough of all of this nonsense. And it just goes on and on and on. The absolute goal of This government is to drive us crazy with so many stupid rules that no one knows whether they are making good decisions or not. I tell you, they have no understanding of how to run a social infrastructure. They are not civic leaders. This is just a bunch of drunk and psychotic murdering fools trying to give me meaning to their lives at the expense of everyone else. It’s our social obligation to remain stupid or at least stupid enough not to challenge the powers. God help us. God help us all that we make this sort of animal.
But that’s the point. You have a house on the hill, you have a ton of money and now you have a young beautiful girl to play with. Why can’t you ever just be happy?
The women are saying Abiah is not clean.
I’ve been with her. I know what it feels like. And I was with her long enough for any symptoms to appear. She’s too mean. She was too mean for anyone to handle. Yeah, sorry about that. It’s just that you never really make a big deal about sex so I figured you two would get along.
Thanks, buddy. Seriously, thanks.
What are you going to do?
There are too many limitations and nobody is allowing us to just be. We’ve talked about it. She could say that I am a bad master and then they will take her into the community. According to the plan, she hangs out with the women and she lets them teach her all about how to be a decent person. She will get inspected and they will find out that she’s not sick. And then sometime in the future, maybe she can have second thoughts and we can start meeting again.
Unless they introduce her to a younger man.
Right. We figured or I figured that was going to be a problem anyway.
Moses is in the market for another stone mason. How gay are you?
Listen, are there too many rules? Well, there is one good rule. If I never marry her, technically, she’s never my responsibility. If I never claim her as a slave, I never take possession.
So you’re just going to let these chicken women take your woman away from you?
She’s a teenage girl!
You said that she might be your future. You’re writing and the true history has to go on. You said she was capable of becoming a writer. You said that you might just be happier with her than without her?
I am happier with her than without her. But now there are all of these other people hanging around screaming at me telling me what I should do. It’s not like it was in the beginning. I’m not used to having these social pressures. I don’t like social pressures. I don’t really like pressure at all.
I hear you. Welcome to sanctuary.
5
It is a bit later and a beautiful seasonal day finds us in the vineyards of Hillel’s neighbor. He and Abiah are feasting on the tender sweet grapes and enjoying the beauty of the day.
I told you you would enjoy some of these new stupid rules.
Yes, if I eat my own grapes, they count against profits. If I eat my neighbor’s grapes, there’s nothing he can do about it and I get them for free.
But we can’t take any home.
No. We can just stay here in the vineyard and eat grapes and lie in the grass and enjoy the day. Terrible law. Absolutely horrible.
You are only gloating because your neighbor has a fat ugly wife and you have a young beautiful wife. He would never go on your property to eat your grapes. His face is too sour. He has no happiness in his life like you do.
What makes you so happy?
Well, would you like me to explain it to you?
I am too flumaxed to understand it myself. You have done something and it’s making you quite happy. This I can see and understand and indeed, I’m happy for you. This also makes me more worried than usual. What’s going on?
It’s a matter of problem solving. Sometimes there are decisions that one makes that allow you to go through a door but come back if you don’t like it. But there are also decisions that you make that are only one way and you can’t go back again if something goes wrong. They have a wonderful law. For all of you men who pass me around so much, you have a guarantee. I can’t come back to you. No matter how nostalgic you feel, no matter how stupid you feel forgiving this up, I never come back again because that’s the laws they made. Women or slave girls, we are one way decisions and not toys. This is feminism in its way. It’s almost like our voting rights. And it’s forever and ever. You let a woman go and she is free to go. Of course I’m happy. I was built for this.
So the real question is whether you want me or not?
I’ve been meaning to tell you that I like the idea of that mark that you made to let people know which is a question and which is a statement.
They want to make it very complicated. They have a whole group of different marks and accents they want to add now. They say that we don’t know how to pronounce the words. We don’t know when the sentences ends. We don’t particularly know when there are changes in the chapters or characters or places. It’s just talking in one direction.
Like the drunken belligerent men who invented the language.
Yes, my love. You have said something incredibly true. It is a direct belligerent language where you don’t care about anyone else’s understanding. You just bully forward, say what you’re going to say and it’s everybody else’s obligation to figure it out for themselves. It is the quintessence of the male ego being demonstrated to the detriment of everyone and everything.
It’s confusing with all of these new marks. It’s a lot of extra work for the writer. If you have to write all of these crazy accents, it’ll make the job of writing 10 times harder.
That’s why they pay you the big bucks.
It’s true. What everyone wants is clarity. Everybody believes they have the stuff to create clarity. I thought I had clarity. I thought the world was showing me the truth and that me and all of the people I am with, all of us ex-egyptians, We all thought we were learning to be self-sufficient. We stop eating meat and stopped being crazy and suddenly we weren’t slaves anymore. And we had 40 years to practice. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I don’t know why they wouldn’t acknowledge it.
It’s power, don’t you know? All men want power. That’s why everyone likes to play with me. Men feel that they are so much smarter and wiser and more experienced. They see me as a pet, a small animal at best. No one ever comes to me with respect. I have to earn all of the respect I get myself. I only get away with it because I’m a girl. If I truly worked at the limit of my intellect, I would hurt someone and make them feel foolish. And if we are talking about my so-called masters, that’s all they need is me in their head and suddenly they realize what chronic incapable fools they really are. They remind themselves that I’m just a woman. I’m not even a person. I’m just a slave. It was an interesting and amusing thing to have me open my mouth and tell people who is who. It’s another to actually have anything happen. This is what they say. But the truth is I went because I am smarter.
I understand you, my friend. I feel much the same. I feel we really did have an ethos and an understanding about what is important. We live in an absolutely horrible world now with terrible people. We are all users. We are endless consumers. We just eat and eat and eat without ever paying the bill. All we do is abuse each other and steal and kill. All we do is everything we are not supposed to do. But listen to me. I’m a vegan. Maybe it’s a cliche to say that I’m not like other men but it’s true. I’m not gay. I’m vegan. You have to understand me. There’s a difference. I have always been happiest without killing. That’s how I became a vegan I suppose. I just understood the pain that living things go through from us and I didn’t want to be a part of it.
Quite out of character, the girl crawls over to the Torah scribe and crawls into his arms, making herself comfortable with him. She offers him a small kiss and then closes her eyes.
Tell me about it. Tell me about what it was like?
We had everything and we had each other. If you needed something, you just walked to the next tent and asked for it and they would give it to you. Nobody was holding back or worried about who had what. In fact, a couple of times we almost forgot about money altogether. Everything was bartered and everybody had enough. And the bread. Oh, let me tell you about the bread we made. It was some combination of the water or what was previously on the desert floor. We don’t know why the bread tasted so good but it was like a miracle that we could have such wonderful bread. Even the unleavened cakes were wonderful. And everyone was friends and everyone worked and no one schemed behind the back of another. We all took care of ourselves and our communities and the people we loved and we all laughed and had great parties and wonderful meals and sports and games. And we raised children to be intelligent and free and without fear.
I wish I could have been there. Technically, I’m free to go anywhere I want and you can’t. You got this place but this is the end of the line for you. I don’t mean to put pressure on you but it seems we have to be married. There’s no other way to say it. I have to be the lady of the house or no one will want to live with us anymore and you have nowhere to go.
I understand. We will definitely talk about this more
6
And then after the wedding ceremony when they were finally alone at home again.
I have big plans. I think we can do everything you want. I think you are a great man. I think maybe you are the greatest man I have ever met in my life. I am so pleased that you are my husband and my Lord. I will be with you until one of us dies.
But you are pretty sure that’s going to be me.
Without a doubt. That’s part of my plan. I will learn everything you know so I can make all of your businesses function well. And then when you die, I’ll keep them going. It’s a wonderful deal. I’m so happy you married me.
Me too. But let me ask you, are there any moments where a husband demands that his wife comply to his urges?
You mean, amongst the new laws?
Yes. No. I know they were just writing down their legal decisions case by case. But they want all of this to last for all time. It’s just that I don’t understand our legal system and I really don’t understand women. I mean I understand what’s going on but I just never feel as though I am on solid ground with either the state or with women?
Don’t you understand, my love? The women are the government.
I thought I would be living a dream. I can see now that the dream is a nightmare that I never ever get to wake up from. What I was asking you was if we could just have sex. I want to have sex right now.
I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m in a wonderful mood. I see a great future ahead of us. Please just pay attention and don’t spoil the mood. There’s so much to do. I hope you don’t mind, But I do have a few suggestions to improve your efficiency. You have to forgive me. Sometimes when I am practicing my academics, I get very stringent and serious. I can’t abide by foolishness. You don’t mind. You understand about working under scrutiny with pressure, right?
Actually, I thought I was retired and made a compromise that got me this house. And then my very good friend gave you to me because he didn’t want you and now I have legally married you and you seem to have taken over my entire life.
Can’t you see? It’s what you’ve always wanted. You bend to our will and it makes you happy. Can’t you see that?
But it doesn’t make me happy. It’s horrible. It’s white I was so happy to get out of Egypt. It’s why we thought we were better off not being slaves. Everything that you’re doing and saying, this is the nonsense life of slaves. This is a bunch of pyramid climbers trying to one up each other. This is everyone playing with the truth and justice. This isn’t anything we wanted.
And what exactly did you expect of me?
Look!
Oh. That. Okay. Can you finish in 10 minutes?
Come on. Can’t there be just a moment of romantic kindness? Can’t we just be a pair of bodies for a moment and just enjoy the pleasures that God gave us?
That’s the problem, my love. I’m the only one bringing a body. Your body died a long time ago. My body is fully alive. My body needs a man to give me a baby. So far everyone wants to play with me but no one wants to be my master and give me a baby. Will you give me a baby tonight?
It may be hard to explain to you but the answer was yes before you made the speech about my problems. Look.
Oh, I see. Well, let’s get back to work then. I thought we were taking a sex break. Forgive me. My love, you are an old man. I forgive you. Don’t worry about a thing. You don’t mind if I take a lover do you?
For love or for money?
My love. This is why I am so happy. Truly, you have made me the happiest woman in the history of the world.
7
And with the last of the rules explained from the incompetent and ridiculous thing they call a court, we once again find our hero, Hillel the scribe, sitting on the comfortable rug of Phaedrus The apothecary.
You know, I’ve just had a thought. You were behind this whole thing.
I was. I am an evil genius. Please explain to me what I did so I know that you understand it well.
You probably like me well enough as a friend that you don’t mind my hanging out. But as a businessman, I think you wanted more money. You gave me a woman and she convinced me I couldn’t let her go. Now it seems my well kept money has now began to move around a bit. She has more than one lover. She likes to provide for them. I noticed that my bill with you is about 20 times as much as normal.
20? Is that a genuine number or are we just playing with the concept of mathematics?
I don’t suppose you could just say no?
Why didn’t you say no? You had the damn chance. You even knew she wasn’t coming back If you let her go. What the hell is your problem? You took her in and you married her. Good for you. But that’s a one-way door, my brother. You’re not coming back from this one.
No, you’re right. The true number was 23 times the bill.
If you don’t mind me saying so, you don’t seem very broken up over all of this.
Why should I be?
Well, I never intended for you to marry the girl. I noticed she had a mouth on her. I figured you could use her as a house slave or something and maybe you could put her to work helping you write. I didn’t think you were going to give her the entire marriage contract while accepting the fact that she had no intention of making children with you.
I don’t do slaves.
Well, apprentice, student, something. Live in the real world, Hi.
You’re not doing any good repeating the same thing over and over again. What’s it done is done and I’m just trying to make the best of it.
Oh. Are you making reservations? Can I use her?
And with this, Hillel stands up goes to a very special place in the shelving of the apothecary tent. He carefully chooses a dusty jar, opens it up and takes from it some little green plant balls.
Be careful. That’s the good stuff. Just a little.
Don’t worry about it. This is how we all live now. We’re animals again. Forget this idealism nonsense. When you see something you want, you take it because no one’s ever going to give it to you.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t use that. I’m just saying that it’s rather valuable. We can’t sit here and puff on it all night. It just wouldn’t be right.
Well, let’s talk about the good stuff for a moment. What do you think it means when you find the girl of your dreams standing in front of you but you can’t really have her? I’ve been thinking about this a lot. It has nothing to do with the ridiculous age difference. It has to do with the fact that I was never going to own her no matter what and she knew this from the very beginning. I’m not such a pushover as you think. I’m just a vegan. I don’t really think in terms of possessing things. I think in terms of stewardship and taking care of things and being able to eat what we grow. I believe in this life and the love of my fellow man.
She is empirically a very beautiful girl. Damn good looking.
Sure. You’re not listening to a word I’m saying.
Okay, I understand you. You don’t mind that history is repeating itself. First Eva did this to you and now Abiah. I’ve been thinking that you have quite the talent for launching women into long careers. You are proficient at this. Honestly, you would have made the best slave trader. All of this academic work is nonsense and the veganism is a complete waste of oral pleasure. The only way to live is to be a carnivore. Eat or be eaten and this is it for life.
All right. Let’s try this good stuff and I’ll tell you what I really think.
