From Chabad.org Shelach in a Nutshell (Numbers 13:1–15:41)
The name of the Parshah, “Shelach,” means “Send” and it is found in Numbers 13:2.
Moses sends twelve (tourists) to the land of Canaan. Forty days later they return, carrying a huge cluster of grapes, a pomegranate and a fig , to report on a lush and bountiful land. But ten of the (tourists) warn that the inhabitants of the land are giants and warriors “more powerful than we”; only Caleb and Joshua insist that the land can be conquered, as G‑d has commanded.
The people weep that they’d rather return to Egypt. G‑d decrees that Israel’s entry into the land shall be delayed forty years, during which time that entire generation will die out in the desert. A group of remorseful Jews storm the mountain on the border of the land, and are routed by the Amalekites and Canaanites.
The laws of the nesachim (meal, wine and oil offerings) are given, as well as the mitzvah to consecrate a portion of the dough (challah) to G‑d when making bread. A man violates the Shabbat by gathering sticks, and is (strongly admonished to pepare in advance of shabbos). G‑d instructs to place fringes (tzitzit) on the four corners of our garments, so that we should remember to fulfill the mitzvot (divine commandments).
Commentary From the Bizarre Under Sinai
1
Once again, Hillel the scribe found himself on the rug of Phaedrus the apothecary. This time though the intrigue was too much and several others also occupied the circle. The conversation was serious. Everyone’s lives seemed to be at stake.
Hillel, tell us if this is the truth or just some propaganda.
I don’t know. The whole situation is insanity. I’m supposed to be listening to Moses. The Egyptian is the one who looks at me and says put it in the book. Put it in the book. This is the only command I have in the entire world that makes sense. It means write this down. But now it’s not even coming from the Egyptian. It’s kind of coming from Aaron but not really because you never know who Aaron is listening to. He’s a ridiculously weak man and a miserable bureaucrat. He has no spine.
Where is the Egyptian?
He is starting his purification ritual. He’s on the mountain and he plans to be there for 40 days. Well, 40 days less the first week where he had to meet with the donors because they were nervous that something would happen to take their business away.
Our entire world is run by donors. We have 600,000 of us out here and a dozen are worth anything. If we are free, why are we being ruled like this? If we are great and they are small, why are we not great? How do we actually get free of Egypt?
This is the question that will allude people for centuries or even millennia I am sure. I am more frightened of this book than anything else I have ever been a part of. It’s too much for me.
Okay but tell us. Is this true that we are never going to the promised Land?
Okay. I will tell you what I was told to write. It’s a story. It’s a story of a group of us sent out to have a look at the land.
How far away? How long did it take them to go there and come back?
Ironically, the same amount of days as Moses plans to be alone on the mountain.
He’s not going to be alone on the mountain. He’s meeting your wife up there.
Stop calling her my wife. But yes, I did manage to get that out of her. She owes me at least that much.
I could have told you this too. I’m the one who set him up with something that would make living on a mountain for a month a bit more bearable.
Anyway. The story is that they choose these people to go and look at the promised land and they can go and look around and be back in 40 days.
There is a great rumble in the room. One of the men in the back spoke out.
Only 3 weeks journey? They can be in the land of nut milk and melons? Seriously, the land of sweetness and health and a place where we can grow food forever and ever and ever? Only 3 weeks away? That’s not very far. I would happily carry a tent poll for 3 weeks if I can start farming in the promised land.
This brings another large grumble from the crowd. Phaedrus had to speak up to calm everyone down.
Quiet down. Hillel said that it was a story. It was a story, right?
I am telling you what I was told to put in the book. I was told that what was being said was being said as if the Egyptian was saying it himself. I did not see these men. I did not watch these events. This is what I was told to write in the book concerning the eventual law of what is going to happen to us.
But you said that our land is only 3 weeks journey. This is what they told us, yes? This is what they wrote in the book. Is it true? Is there a place for us only 3 weeks journey from here?
Again, I don’t know. I am only the scribe. I am only the messenger. I only know what I was told. They said they sent people to have a look and that this happened in the fall at harvest time.
2
Okay. The story said that they brought back grapes and pomegranates and that everything was wonderful but the people there were Giants.
Giants? What does that even mean?
Well this is what the story says. They said that because they were giants, there was no way we could play baseball against them.
That doesn’t make sense. If they are very big players, they have a very big strike zone. There is plenty of room for clever pitching if the team is tall. They probably can’t run very fast either. They would never be able to cover a bunt.
No, it was not whether or not we could play against the Giants. The point is that when they said there was a problem, the people…
Wait, what do you mean the people?
Yes. This is one of the biggest problems of my job. Apparently there is vox populi.
There is? I don’t even think we have a newspaper. All we have is gossip.
I know. It might have something to do with the leadership. Joshua was there. Joshua is the Egyptian’s favorite. He’s been teaching him to carve stone. Apparently that’s what this mountain sojourn is about. The Egyptian wants to do some stone carving and Joshua and he have been spending time lately.
Oh no.
Oh yes.
Bloody Egyptians. They don’t care where they stick it as long as they get something from it.
Well he’s a good looking young fellow. The Egyptian is having problems with his energy these days because of all of the dubious things he’s picked up along the way. I tell you, he’s a madman and the problems with his sexual organs are driving him insane.
Get back to the story. Tell us again who these people are?
They don’t say. Maybe it was a public conversation. Maybe they were making a speech. Maybe it was some kind of public spectacle.
I don’t remember any such public spectacle.
I know. Again and again, this is the story they told me to write in the book.
And what was the final decision?
That we die in the desert. Only the children get to go. Apparently we didn’t believe in God and therefore we all get to die out here.
There was a great gasp in the room. Shouts of no and why filled the air.
What reason did they give for this?
That’s it. Somebody shouted that they wanted to go back to Egypt and this was enough to screw it up for everybody.
Was there even a vote? How many people wanted this? We know all about the Egyptian faction. They are not the majority, they’re just loud complainers. They are the most useless people. Are you saying that all of our fates were decided by the gossip mongers? Seriously?
That’s what it said. It said the people opened their collective mouth and that was enough to piss off God. We die in the desert and we never see the promised land.
Okay. Let me get this straight in my head. So we allegedly had this mass meeting and we were discussing what we were going to do with a really fertile piece of land big enough for everybody that is only 3 weeks journey. However, the fact that there is a fertile valley is not enough for us to move on. Based on the emotional reaction of the crowd, the entire future of our people gets decided. Because the people in this land are big and strong, according to the story our people just lay down and die, right? Because all they do is scream that they want to go home to the city and they are tired of walking around in this desert, we get nothing ever? No calming voice? No discussion of plans? No one is asked for their opinion? There is going to be no promised land for any of us because of this emotional reaction to street theater. Every single thing they told us about being free from bondage is a bunch of crap and now because of some public spectacle that no one actually remembers happening, this is justification for perpetual martial law and meat business corruption until we are all too diseased to live. This actually never happens but it gets entered into the great book second hand via an incredibly corrupt priest theoretically saying words of an insane man who has gone up into the mountain to carve stone, yes?
Yes. 40 more years of misery. Thus the history of our people will be known forever and ever.
We are dead. We are so very dead.
3
Okay. Let’s get back to the story. What happened?
Okay. Of the 12 people they sent, 10 of them were frightened. Two of them, and this especially concerns Caleb, we’re of the mind that we could probably take them especially in a seven game series. And this is where things kind of got strange. Here, God starts to talk to the Egyptian again but even though God wants to rip us limb from limb for even doubting the power of nature, the Egyptian pleads for us that everything will be okay and not to be angry. Apparently God listens to Moses and agrees not to kill us now but that we are not allowed to go there. Caleb gets to go there. The entire fertile valley goes to Caleb but the rest of us get to stay here in the desert. That’s what it said.
Caleb the goat herder? Caleb the bloody goat herder gets the whole promised land for himself?
He’s not a stupid man. He’s big in land cleaning. He has very talented goats. They will go and turn a forest into a pasture and then he makes money on the back end, literally, because he also deals in animal shit fertilizer. He’s a smart cookie.
Here the men in the room each wanted their voices heard. They stood up and said their peace before everyone in the room.
But he is big meat. This whole story is crazy. All of this gossip is meat hysteria. This whole story is meat hysteria. We can’t kill them, we can’t kill them, oh my God how can we possibly live if we can’t kill? It’s meat philosophy. Why? Why must we forever be in the shadow of the death people?
I’ll tell you why. I’m not afraid. They keep us crazy with that meat. The meat business is and forever will be the death of us. We are all nothing but meat to them. This is a suicide cult. Our flesh is being consumed one way or another by this greedy fat Egyptian and his obsequious entourage of blood-soaked tyrants. I so hate the meat business I cannot tell you.
People never get enough barbecue. It makes everyone blind. Their eyes never see it.
Indeed. How do you tell if someone who murders for food that there’s no difference between what they put on their plate and the people they live with?
Venereal disease. A perpetual pandemic. We are a generation of worthless degenerates. We don’t deserve anything but all you can eat barbecue.
We don’t have to be This way. I keep telling everybody. Just don’t eat the meat. I keep telling everybody.
When everyone who wanted to speak had spoken, the room grew quiet again. The next voice was from Phaedrus.
Hillel, what do you do? How do you even exist there in your job without eating meat?
I told you. I’m not allowed to have an opinion so I never have to go to the parties. I don’t like going to the parties anyway because if I do, I’m just going to be in danger from corrupt meat business people offering me money to put their name in the book unofficially. It happens all the time but there’s nothing I can do. I can’t report them because I will die. I just put the words in the book, say my prayers and bow and after that my time is my own. I’m just the scribe. I only write what they tell me to write.
Well, I guess we are friends for life. You my friend are damaged. May I recommend a libation?
Only what we can grow from the ground, please.
Your wish is our command.
4
So what else happened in this story?
Well, it does kind of get tied up in a tidy little bow. I don’t know who actually came up with this scenario but it’s a tight one. There is no legal responsibility to anyone except that Joshua now has command of the military and Caleb gets to be a rich man in the promised land all by himself.
But we never get to go there? Why don’t we get to go there? Doesn’t he even need people? Can’t he make use of us as farm labor at least? That’s all any of us want is to grow food. Can’t we at least do God’s work in the promised land? This desert agriculture is driving everyone crazy.
No. The people who spread the bad news immediately were killed by God. And then those of us who apparently groaned and complained, we are sentenced to die here in the desert. Only our children get to go. Only the ones who never bore witness to any of this. Only the ones with innocence get to go to the garden. The rest of us will die in the desert.
Here a man stood up. He was Rubain. Rubain was a great deal maker and a lawyer. He was well known for his clear thinking and ability to make everybody happy.
Okay, so this is a positive. We do have the ability for irrigation. The Egyptian is an excellent engineer. We have plenty of fertilizer although it is unfortunate that we would be fighting a losing battle. We cannot reforest the place because they demand to have grazing territories. But we can eat bread. We can grow fig trees. We kind of live. We will just work hard. We can live very well. Okay. So we have garbage land out in the desert. We can figure this out. We can figure out anything. We are Jews for God’s sake.
Here Benjamin decided to speak.
But what about having to pick up the tent and go somewhere else. Every time the stench gets too bad, we go somewhere else. How are we supposed to do all of this agriculture if we have to pick up and move the entire tent every time people get sick of their house?
Well of course the answer is to stop eating meat. Of course this is the answer. If people stopped eating meat, their homes would stop being disgusting and they could make them nice. Of course we can just allow an era of enlightenment to exist and we probably could cohabitate pretty well with calmer heads and a mutual job of raising food. Simply giving a crap would be enough.
It’s a great plan, Rubain. But the Egyptian is not here and the words went into the book. I’m sure we will do just fine but we never get anything but this desert to work with and a hysterical leadership who’s trying to kill us.
Hillel raised his voice here.
Yeah listen. Apparently we lost two battles. We apparently agreed to let Joshua be a leader and he got our asses kicked twice. He of course did everything wrong in the battles and the solidified the fact that we could never play baseball against the Giants.
Was it even close?
Apparently they had this center fielder.
Yeah, it means a lot when you have a good center fielder.
But this also never happened.
No, all of this was just the story that I was told to write in the book. But it’s plausibility. It sounds like it happened. And if we take the story all by itself, it does kind of make sense. It might have happened. Or, if you believe in the inherent corruption of man, there’s a good chance that whatever people we lost in this battle were never given a chance to win. The point is that what is also believable and plausible and important for them to be there, if it was corruption, the criminals want us to know about it.
It might have been a setup right from the start. The whole book. The whole Exodus. The whole of everything was just a plan to torture us.
I’ll tell you why they did it. They put Joshua the stonemason up there and let him feel like a leader.
Power is a drug.
Then they let a bunch of people die on his word so he would know what that felt like.
The blood of others is the most powerful drug in the world.
And then they gave him failure so he could never fully believe in himself again.
They give him paradise and then they take it away so that he always has to work to try and get back there. This is the meat lobby at work. They did this specifically to remain in control. Don’t you understand? Joshua is already in the pocket. We are never getting away from them. Nobody will ever let us go. There are no heroes.
And here, the men again raised their voices.
The inevitable corruption of man. We will be meat whores and die in the desert no matter what.
Wherever anyone goes, we have a paisan there. We may be stuck here in the desert but our people are already everywhere. It’s just not all of us. It’s just the rich donors getting theirs while we don’t get anything but the meat to chew on.
We are going to die in the desert.
And then Hillel spoke.
Yeah. And even at the end of the story, even in their innocence and that they had never been through any of the things we have been through, the first thing our children get to do once they get to the promised Land is to kill something.
You’re joking.
No. Even after we are all nothing but a pile of bones in the sand, the very first thing our innocent children get to do when they occupy the promised land is to go right back to killing.
God help us. God help us all.
5
With the story of the writing complete, everyone left the tent to spread the news to their families and their people. Only Hillel and Phaedrus remained.
So what happens next in the story?
That was really everything. After that they made me right down the details. This was the worst of it. You should have seen them. They were all tripping on the elements of the barbecue. They were just dreaming about how awesome a big plate of barbecue would be. It’s disgusting. They were salivating when they were telling me what to write.
They made your write food porn, didn’t they?
I have no spine. I have no life of my own.
We cannot be ruled by these people. We can’t be ruled by the meat people. There must be a way out.
Of course there is a way out. You just go.
What do you mean, just go?
Well, what do you need?
My independence.
No, what do you need to take with you so you don’t die? If you go off alone to make your fortune, what do you need to have with you?
I am an apothecary. I just need access to nature where things grow. This is all I need. Well a grinding stone.
Well, I am a scribe. I only need paper and an instrument to write with. But I have my hands and I have my wits. I can find people who maybe need my help. I can be a teacher or I can be a worker. Everyone can be a teacher and a worker. A student is a teacher and a teacher is a student. We can all just be students and see what kind of life we can make for ourselves.
But what about the treacheries of the road? What about all of these meat eaters trying to get their hands on us? What do you do when they cheat us out of our money?
Learn. Write everything down. Make sure people understand the truth before they go out. Make sure everyone knows how corrupt the world is and why it is corrupt so that we have our own rules. If we expect them to be horrible, we can be prepared. That’s how we’ll win. We’ll adapt. We will do what we need to do to be helpful. We will take care of ourselves and take care of our own. We will take care of the land. We will just be good people.
But there’s no guarantee. In Egypt we had a guarantee.
Don’t you get it? It’s all Egypt. We never left Egypt. Egypt is all around us. Egypt is everywhere you go. You will never see anything in the world that is not Egypt.
So then where can we go?
To the land. They say that the land is owned by Egypt. We say that the land is from God. Our gift from God is the land we stand on. As long as we live in harmony with the land, we will never die and we will never starve.
Even in the desert?
Especially in the desert.
So you truly believe this. You’re not afraid to die.
Phaedrus, since I met you, I’m not afraid of anything anymore.
Yeah, bro. I love you too. Would you like to try something special?
Yes.
Here. This is what Eva took up to the Egyptian on the mountain.
What does it do?
It makes everything come alive. It lets you see the life in all things.
Burning bush? You’re offering me burning bush?
We visionaries have to stick together.
6
We now move the scene. We are on the mountain. Moses is in his work area trying to get his stone carving technique down. Eva is next to him watching him work with professional attention.
So you really told them to write that you also want sandwiches?
I didn’t tell them to make sandwiches. They decided that they also wanted sandwiches.
Why do you even deal with them?
You don’t understand politics.
I don’t understand politics? My friend, I am a woman. I invented politics.
Moses steps away from his carving.
Maybe so. I’m doing something wrong. I’m just cutting up the mountain for nothing. I don’t know why I can’t get the stone to break.
Maybe you’re not supposed to break the stone. Maybe you’re supposed to release what you want from the stone.
Please don’t talk your hippie nonsense. I can’t tolerate it.
No, it’s not hippie nonsense. But I do have a question.
Please.
Why exactly are we carving stone?
I want to say something. I want to say something very simple. I want it to be the law.
Couldn’t you just say it. Does it have to be written in stone?
Of course it has to be written in stone. People need to see it and touch it and know that it will never go away.
Like the stone you are ripping from the mountain?
Yes. No. What are you talking about?
Well, the more you chisel at the mountain, the greater the mess you make. But you want to make something out of stone so it’s permanent. But look how impermanent the stone is. Someone else could just chisel on your rock and then the whole thing would be gone in a different direction.
He drops his mallet and chisel and comes and sits next to the fire next to Eva.
You know, I have been feeling more and more like a hypocrite every day.
Every day in your life or every day in this little sojourn of ours?
The second one. When I just get away from people, I feel like I can think again.
I say it’s when you get away from the meat business. Those guys are going to kill you.
I’m beginning to understand that more and more. Every time I have to go to one of those barbecues, it’s like my brain gets turned off. And then there is the pain. My genitals are killing me.
I know. Get away from people And stay away from meat. Relax. Live a physical life. That’s all any of us want. It’s all any of us need.
That’s the thing. That was the promise I made. I made a promise to them that I would release them from bondage. But now, literally, I just agreed to let the mest business write in the book without my being there. I gave them my proxy but the more I think about it, the more it is the actual polar opposite of what I wanted for my people.
What do you want to write in stone?
It’s insanity. I just want them to believe in God. I just want them to believe in nature and in themselves and that they can overcome any obstacle. In fact, that’s one of the rules. One of the rules is not to make images. We don’t do images anymore. Images are false gods. We don’t pray to false Gods. We only pray to the one God. The universe. Nature.
Well, I hate to be the one to tell you but carving stone to make these rules is an image of the word of God. Literally this is a graven image. But that’s only part of it. That one person would be telling it to everyone else sort of destroys the concept of free choice.
It does? I never thought of that. So you’re saying I’m just chopping up rocks for the exercise?
Yeah, you’re a chisler. There’s no doubt about it, Moe. You’re a chiseler’s chiseler.
OG.
That’s you all over.
I don’t know, Eva. Sometimes I feel as though I have no clue what I am doing anymore.
You just need to calm down. Here, take some of this.
And then after.
Look in the fire. What do you see?
I see God.
Do you?
I see that God is in the fire. Or maybe God is the fire. I see that fire is a part of nature. I also see that the fire will never die.
Yeah, that’s burning bush all right. Listen, I have an idea. I’m hungry. Do you mind if I kill you and burn you in the fire and eat the meat of your body so that I’m not hungry anymore?
I’m not sure you would enjoy my meat. I’m not clean.
None of us are clean. I’m just saying that for all that you’ve done and all the people who follow you for good or for bad, you’re a great man. You are a leader. What I’m saying is that if I were to kill you, all of that would be meaningless and you would be nothing more than a few meals. Do you see what I’m saying?
How about don’t kill anything?
What do you mean?
What if I make that one of the rules. Don’t kill things.
Wait a minute. Are you talking about taking down the entire corrupt meat establishment?
It was a thought.
So you really don’t like eating meat?
Well, it’s kind of difficult to explain. I know I shouldn’t do it. But there are a ton of things that I really shouldn’t do that I do all the time and it always gets me in trouble. But that’s what I was thinking. Maybe it really is that simple. If we could quit killing animals, we would have really clear heads.
I don’t understand. You are writing in stone that we should not kill animals?
Well, we should not kill anything. That’s the whole point. We should nurture the world. We should be nurturing instead of stealing and murdering to get what we want. We really should be honest people and grow our own food and nothing else.
They will kill you.
Who will kill me?
The Killers. The meat business. The meat business will kill you for even trying to say this. They won’t let you say it.
Well I’m going to say it. Do you hear me, Eva? I’m going to get this right. I’m going to carve this rock. I’m going to tell people that there is nothing in the world but God and that we are not killers. I’m going to tell them to live quiet respectful lives. I’m going to tell them how to live in harmony with God.
Well I guess I don’t need to kill you and eat you. Your story is too interesting.
7
A bit later after some intimacy as well as a few sojourns into the burning bush bag that Eva had brought with her, Moses was in an expansive mood lying back against Eva’s breast.
Tassels.
Tassels?
Yeah. I like tassels.
Do you think it’s really that important?
Don’t you think tassels are sexy? I think tassels are sexy.
You know you’re a very sick man.
Yes, but I’m still a man, yes?
Yes. You are quite the formidable man.
That’s right. You can’t tell me who’s the stonecutter.
Yeah, Joshua is cute.
Don’t touch him. Don’t go near him.
Are you jealous?
Really, I’m not joking. Stay away from that boy.
Well, I don’t really have to do anything. But what should I do if he should call me?
You know, you can’t be allowed to vote.
It is quite amazing that you think so. The most powerful creatures on the earth and yet we are not allowed to have a voice. Only meat. Just meat for men to consume.
I’m getting a headache. Maybe we could just not talk for a little while.
All right relax. Everything is fine. You did a fine job. Your stone cutting is getting better and your health is returning thanks to the fresh air. You were right. This is all anybody wanted was a breath of fresh air.
I think that’s really what I want to tell them. I just want to tell them that they are free but that they should be careful if they want to survive. Be respectful and be good people and you’ll probably survive.
I think these are very good words. I’m not sure we need to come up here and torture the mountain. Maybe we could just dance.
Why don’t you dance for me.
Come on, Moe. Why don’t you dance for me?
I’m the man and you’re the woman. If I say you should dance, dance.
But I’m the woman. You work for me.
Men do not work for women. Women work for men.
Men work for women every day of their lives because women are the only thing you need to complete yourself.
I’m disgusted. It cannot be that you are greater than me.
I think it’s a matter of perception. I think our mistake is worrying about who is higher. As far as I can see, we are both high as a kite right now and not just from the gifts from our friends. We are together. You have your purpose and I am here with you. You are my purpose and I am yours.
No. I work for everyone.
So do I.
I hate it when you’re right.
When you’re with God…
At that moment something happened and it amazed the both of them. And after, Moses agreed that he really screwed up allowing the rich people to get away with everything and making the poor people suffer. And then he went back to carving stone and Eva made some veggie sandwiches for when they got hungry.
