Our ever challenging staff of news hounds here at the Utopian! have uncovered some seriously devious business from the previously thought virginal Shohei Ohtani. Though the entirety of the United States agreed unilaterally that there was no greater baseball player humanly possible then this young man who could both pitch and hit. He was really good at both even as a young man just a little bit taller and just a little bit more good-looking than anyone else. By God was he a good looking young man.
Interest in cheating in baseball was regenerated because of a video released by currently rudderless former MLB star Trevor Bauer. He decided to tell us all about cheating again and that we needed to look very closely to see if an infraction of the rules has occurred.
Trevor Bauer has been careening around the universe trying to find something to stick to and this moment or at least a moment from a few moments ago was listed here.
I will admit that I did not have much of a feeling for this video. I will admit to being a bit sour on Mr Bauer these days. Whether this is for good reason or not, we at the Utopian! stand in unity against idiots everywhere. We are not however the possibility of accepting revision where revision deserves to be revised.
We then visited the most obnoxious Viking in the history of the world to be reminded what accurate actually is.
After this, YouTube reminded us that there was yet another episode of Saturday night live that I had no reason whatsoever to look at. But in this one, there was the most troublesome of sketches. I did not know what to make of this. I honestly really and truly did not understand it except perhaps as some kind of something about meat. I don’t know whether it was funny or not. But here it was.
Well, this is fate. Perhaps what is being implied most here is that there was no particular idea that we were looking for a scandal. But then we got one. It just happened to arrive from the algorithm I something that needed to be paid attention to.
It seems that the Dodgers were going up to Canada to play some baseball. It seems their arrival was quite the deal. Using the universal translator to get at least 75% of the information being said, it was deduced that not only was Shohei Ohtani clearly married and obviously quite happily, he also literally has to have four green berets at his side at all time just to get through the airport. Good gravy! The Nazis have arrived!
Again, I’ve been spending time trying to learn at least a little bit about Japanese baseball but it just keeps exploding and expanding on me. And my algorithm is also telling me that if I like this picture of the arrival in Toronto, I should like this next one even more. This one includes the fact that none of the other Dodgers need paramilitary support. What an interesting situation to require paramilitary support for a job that is done absolutely publicly. One must take note.
Still, no particular scandal. I didn’t know he was married. I guess he was married. I don’t know everything. Why wouldn’t it be public knowledge that he was married. I thought the entire thing was that he was single and beautiful and that’s why he was worth a small island in the Pacific and the wealth of several nations just so he can continue to believe that it twice operated arm is going to work.
For this and other thoughts of the joys of perpetual fantasization, I turned to Christopher Hitchens for guidance.
Truthfully, you can only listen to him one or two times. Once your mind is blown, he’s just a meat-eating alcoholic who is very good at talking. He is dead on straight but they put him up with these podiums and made him do this dog and pony trick again and again so that people could be amused by public spectacle that was completely planned. I think they call this idle worship. Anyway, one tiny scroll away turned out to be quite an amazing baseball game.
Editor’s note: the entire ball game is down below but I do not advise you to watch it immediately. You might want to afterwards but it would be best if you skip past it and read the point of this article. There is another shorter film that you can watch that completely illustrates the minutia. But first, here’s the big picture.
The game is from 2016. The Nippon Ham Fighters, an ironic name considering his current kosher standing, and the Soft Bank Hawks. I’m sure everybody needs nothing more than a soft bank. Or yet another soft banker, thank you much.
Shohei Ohtani both hits a bomb in the first inning and then shows what 100 mph looks like from possibly the most beautiful Japanese man ever to appear on the planet. That he has a true fire inside of him is right there in 2016. He throws with anger. This probably has something to do with overburdening the elbow. You can’t really sustain violent assault again and again. It’s nice to have that last gear but I don’t think you’re supposed to do it pitch after pitch after pitch. Mechanically, you’re just going to break your arm.
But what was more interesting here was what I noticed after the home run. It was in the bottom of the inning that they made a point of showing that Shohei Ohtani was throwing, well, not spitballs but snot balls.
The batter then tips his hat from second base to someone out in right field. And the next batter comes up and also immediately grabs the brim of his cap. Twice.
For the rest of the inning, Ohtani will go to the tip of his cap with the thumb of his pitching hand, basically like you would tip your cap, after every pitch except the last one of the at-bat. If the guy on the mound goes to his cap often, this is almost a universal sign that there’s something on the cap. If your hand is wet, they have a rosin bag. You’re not really supposed to use your uniform so much because you’re not allowed to doctor the baseballs.
Okay, he had some kind of a cold. Or, it was 2016 and airborne pollution and whatever was going through the world had his nose running. He would and in one case in the film literally stuck his thumb into the top of his nose. This was to wipe or pick but either way, it went from his nose on his fingertips to the bill of his cap. This was not only noticed by myself, it was noticed by the crew filming the game. It not only noticed that Shohei Ohtani had specifically done this, it also showed that all of the batters were grabbing at the bill of their cops telling Shohei Ohtani that they were aware of him throwing snot balls. Not just one batter. They were screaming at him that he was going to his cap with snot and the people broadcasting the game, which I think was sold out, not only showed us this complete with slow motion replays.
This is pretty difficult to understand. It seems that America and the Dodger organization, ironically the most petulant abusers of public consciousness in the history of MLB, have been hoodwinked by not only a cheater, but a belligerently egotistical one at that. Proof of such was also pointed out. When the inning was over and he was heading off the field to the dugout between innings, Shohei Ohtani went to his nose with his right hand to get some snot cleared away and then offered it as a handshake to shake to his teammates.
Here is the whole game. Japanese baseball is awesome. There was that home run in the first which was also amazing to watch. It is amazing to watch this guy in 2016.
So, the Utopian! has been there for you once again. With the help of now professional whistleblower, Trevor Bauer, we have uncovered the deepest and darkest secrets from across the Pacific Ocean. Can we indeed trust the Asians to give us their best version of baseball? We, at the Utopian!, are not so sure. We are advocates of only the highest standards of entertainment. It is difficult for any of us to understand why male aggression needs to be sent out wither-nither into the Ethernet just to be consumed by too easily programmable people. We have to fight to retain a good clean image as well as cleanliness in our senses. We cannot have shysters, carpetbaggers or phonies as our idols. It’s not healthy to do these sorts of things. It’s also not healthy to have anything whatsoever to do with Los Angeles. Words to the wise. I’m not sure they are your friends.
For the Utopian! Selina Oppenheimerbomb reporting.
