Trench warfare. How is it possible despite all the new technology that we still have trench warfare. The most miserable, the most dangerous, the most helpless war situation one could be in. A stagnant front, living in holes. And yet sometimes, the enemy was so close that you could hear each other speaking.
Hey, Rooski!
Shut the fuck up!
Why? I just want to talk.
How many times must I tell you? How many times must we go through this? I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to listen to you. I don’t need your moralizing. I don’t need any of this. Just shut up and die already.
Come on! What’s the matter with you? You don’t feel good? Do you have the shits? Oh, it’s terrible when everyone has the shits. I bet you have the shits.
What is wrong with you? Why are you still here? Why don’t you go home and stop playing this stupid game?
First of all, I am home. You are the traveling team. If anyone should go home, it is you because I am already at home. Second of all, I need to talk to you about something important.
Honestly, I don’t need this Jewish moralizing. If you had had the common sense not to elect a Jew to be president of this God forsaken country, we would not have had to be here. Why couldn’t you just do the right thing? Why couldn’t you just be Christian and shut up?
We can discuss this as well, if you’d like. We are your hosts and you are our guests and obviously, your happiness is most important to us. Meanwhile, I have to ask you about this concept. Maybe only you could understand it.
Only me? Why? Because I am Russian? You think this means something? You think there is a difference between us?
I do. I believe that there is a difference between us and that I can see it. I also believe that you can’t see it. Why you can’t see it is very interesting as well to think about. But this is not why I asked you to talk. I really have something important to say.
You see? This is the problem. The rabble believe they have a voice. You’re probably not a family man. You are probably one of these new free people who takes their time getting married because life is fun without it. You have no morals. You have no discipline. You have to know that there is a correct way to live.
Hey, how long have we been talking to each other? You were not comfortable with your woman when you lived at home. You never had enough money and she never stopped letting you know that you were not sufficient for her needs. You are the last person who should be moralizing to anyone about anything anywhere.
Why do you use so many words when you already said that I was Russian? What do you want?
I found an interesting thing in the language and I wanted to hear your opinion. It is poor people. You know what poor people are?
I don’t understand the question?
Yes, it is very interesting. It’s about growing and self-help in a way. Or maybe it’s just Western propaganda. I don’t know. It’s not traditional for the traditional culture to think like this. But the words were poor people.
What is poor people? Who is this poor people?
Well, I guess it means a specific group of people who are poor.
And you want to say something about Russia because of how many poor people we have? Everyone knows how many homeless we have in America and how they shit on the streets. Everyone knows about liberal attitudes about drug use. Here in Russia, everyone has a home or they go to prison. Everyone has a home. It is a good way.
Yes, that your home is kind of a prison is understood. We all understand that now. But again, we are not going this direction. We are talking about poor people.
And what? Poor people commit more crimes? This is untrue. Rich people commit more crimes than poor people For more money and for more damage every day of the week. Everything is known. What is the point of what you are saying?
That is the point. Those two words have more than one meaning. It has to do with the word poor. Poor can mean a lack of wealth. But poor can also be bad. Not that poverty is bad but if you do a poor job, you’ve done a bad job. I was also talking about poor people. People who don’t try hard enough to be good people.
Oh, like a teacher giving grades. This is very good. You think you can give me a grade? Let me tell you who is who. We hold this land because we say we do. You can go make friends with how many people you want and you can go to bed with how many people you want and you can dream all day about being a beautiful European gentleman. But we live here now and this is our life and you will live with us just like you always have. Why are you still here? Why don’t you just go home?
Because the problem is poor people. Really poor people. People who have poor souls. People who have killed their souls time and time again. Daily. Hourly. Like being on a conveyor belt that they cannot stop or get off of so they just agree to the process of being moved along.
And what? You were going to have a Utopia? I saw your Utopia. We all heard about what a sexy town you had in Lviv. You were making a culture from sadomasochism. For money you did this.
I understand you. We have all done many things for money. Just like you right here and right now. You went to war for a financial contract that you didn’t even believe they would ever honor. Your life was so empty, it meant nothing to you to take a contract for money so you could leave your life. And you want to shame me for our bar entertainment? You want to justify genocide because we do sexually freaky cafes?
You just don’t understand what it means to have a family.
What are you talking about? I have a family.
You? You are a liberal lunatic! You’re one of these crazy left-wing thinkers. You’re a homosexual. Your jobless. You are just begging to go to jail. Where do you think you are?
Actually, I am a programmer and I have two kids and a wife who plays the cello.
Well, that’s not important. You are a soldier and you are my enemy and that is all that is important. We are not going anywhere. Go home and play music. You will be happier and healthier.
And what if we don’t want you here?
This is where you are crazy and have always been crazy. Who do you believe is asking you your opinion?
This is why we don’t want you here. You are not Democratic. You’re fascist. You are literally Nazis by every single definition of the word and you are following the Nazi rule book as if Hitler himself needed to be revived. The world you live in is based on hate and you believe that creating misery for your country justifies you as a hero. That’s a misnomer. That’s insanity. That’s not going to fly no matter how loud you yell because the world just doesn’t do this. No matter how much you say that you don’t need any other languages, you know that people are talking in those languages. And no matter how safe you feel behind this iron curtain of propaganda you guys like to give yourselves, you are poor people. You are poor individuals. You are both impoverished and inept. That’s the point. We don’t want you here. We don’t want your kind. We don’t want people like you here. We don’t want to be poor anymore.
And you think Europe and America will pay for this Utopian life?
No. Playing with Europe and America only put us in debt and wasted our time and ruined our days and prolonged this war. We don’t want anyone’s help. We just want rude drunk belligerent Russian tourists to find somewhere else to take the piss. Generally, seasonally and forever. We don’t want to do gopnik bio trash anymore.
And you will make your money how? And do you think we will allow you to trade freely? Even if we do not fight you on the battlefield like we do, we can stop all trade. How do you plan to live?
Like I said. That’s the whole point. We don’t know. We would just like to try our best without your help? We would just like to do whatever it is that we are going to do only, we wish to do it without you.
That’s not going to happen. We are here and we are not going away anytime soon.
We know. We can tell by the smell. We can tell by how misery rules our lives. We can tell how everything is life and death and hate. We know you’re here. We know perfectly well you’re here.
So go home. Make beautiful music with your wife. Don’t fight us. We have taken this land. Believe me, we will use it well. We will take the minerals from the land. We will make this region work for us. And believe me, the Russians love Crimea. We will have a lot of fun there and set up everything we need for our own comfort. And then of course there is the oil in the sea. That is ours as well. We rule. I think you understand the lesson.
And at exactly that moment, a drone dropped a grenade that fell exactly at the feet of our Russian pontificator. Oddly, being in the middle of a truly winning speech had him a little slow in terms of reality. Or maybe it was the vodka and the pig fat. Maybe it was the senselessness of the invasion or the ridiculousness of the ranks of the Russian army. The lack of intelligence anywhere. Perhaps it was the endless hateful pointlessness of everything that had him just a little too slow to realize that that grenade was about to go off. And then it did. And after, when the Ukrainians were discussing how well the plan had worked, they especially liked the mic drop right at the end of a truly excellent piece of Russian propaganda. Everyone agreed that it was downright poetic how they did that.
